The things you take for granted, someone else is praying for.

I was sitting here earlier today talking to one of my friends online like I usually do, and I was feeling down in the dumps about being alone. Not in the sense that I had no friends or family. Trust me, I've had plenty of my friends wanting to see me this weekend, and it made me want to laugh, because it's my last full weekend off from play rehearsals. But, I was thinking about being alone in the sense that I don't have a significant other in my life. And in the midst of wallowing in self-pity over it, I saw a quote on Facebook that said, " The things you take for granted, someone else is praying for." I stopped thinking for a second and read the quote a few times, really grasping what it was saying, and suddenly, I thought, Why am I so hung up over this? There are people right now who wish they could be alone; people who are in abusive relationships that don't know how to get out of them or who are too scared to. It made me realize that I'm not so lonely.

Later on tonight, I was also thinking about Bullying Prevention Day (October 1st), and how so many of us take our happiness and our friends, family, and lives for granted. There are so many people out there who are suffering from depression, abuse, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts, and I know that even though some of it does have to do with the chemical imbalances in the brain, I also think that things like that don't just develop on their own. There are people out there who don't understand what words or actions are mentally or physically doing to another person, and because of that, we don't really think about what we say or do. We just do it. 

I don't think I developed depression on my own, even though it runs in our family. I highly believe that I developed it because I was seen as a "weirdo" at a very young age, and it made me feel disconnected from everyone around me. I was never really concerned with making friends because my imagination was enough, but I also think that I didn't bother with it because I knew how mean people could be. I had almost my entire Brownie Girl Scout troop mentally affecting me with their stares and whispers and finger pointing, and I guess being shy didn't help that much. But I just felt different all the time. There was even an instance where one of them invited me to a sleepover, and when I showed up, I rang the doorbell and could hear all of the girls on the other side saying, "Who is it?! Who do you think it is?!" When they opened the door and saw that it was me, all of the excitement drained from their faces and it was replaced with a look of boredom. "Oh, it's just Stephanie." They all went back downstairs, and I ended up going home that night. I felt like the present that some five year old opens at Christmas and sees that it's only socks. And when you feel like that, it does take a toll on you. I went on to be bullied in first grade by a girl who actually hit me and screamed at me (although, she screamed at everyone), and in 5th-8th grade, no one seemed to like me because I hung out with "the rejects." 7th and 8th grade were the worst, because that's when my depression hit its peak point. I showed it in little ways, like wearing black clothes when I'd get home and sitting by myself at lunch. Not interacting with anyone at recess. And what made it worse was that the boys in my class would ask me out just because they thought it was funny. You can't blame someone for isolating themselves and having high doubts because they feel like the punch line of everyone's jokes. 

Being a supporter of anti-bullying is the one thing that I feel comfortable doing. I will wear the anti-bullying clothes and the "Don't Give Up" shirts because I know what it's like to eat alone, sit alone, and feel like there's no hope. I know what it feels like to not belong and to not feel loved enough. And it really hurts me to know that there are people out there who want to end their lives because of things like that. People are bullied every day, and I will admit that I've bullied a few people in my lifetime too by talking shit about them. We all do it, and I'm not proud of myself for knowing that I've done it, especially considering the fact that I know all too well what it feels like to not belong or to be rejected and made fun of. It kills me on the inside when I hear about people who have committed suicide because they couldn't take the pain that other people were causing them, and I always wonder, How could it get that bad? But on the inside, I already understand. I know because I had those thoughts my senior year of high school. I could never make my dad proud of me with my grades or getting accepted into colleges. I felt like an idiot and a worthless piece of shit that was only costing my family money to get an education, and for writing, nonetheless; a career that could easily cause me to starve if my future writing doesn't sell. And when you feel like that... when you feel like you aren't good enough and feel like you won't make a difference, alive or dead, you start to think about what it would be like to not be around anymore. People become distant, and you just simply stop caring. 

I remember when I was younger, and I thought that being happy was a simple thing. You aren't happy? Well just start being happy then! That was before my depression got bad. I thought that if you always looked toward the bright side of things, nothing could hurt you or harm you. Stay positive. But once I got into high school, I realized that there were going to be days where being positive just wasn't enough to keep you from feeling sad and down in the dumps. I realized that sometimes you really had to fight off depression in order to just feel okay on some days, and I also learned that it was easy to pull off looking happy to other people, and to not show any of what was going on inside of you. I've often thought about how people would react if they ever saw me on a bad day by myself, crying and feeling as though nothing was ever going to be alright again. And then I think about how many other people are feeling that way in the world right now; people who are starving themselves or cutting or contemplating their own deaths, and I just wish that they could hang in there and know that there are brighter days. I wish I could convince them that it really takes a lot of fighting in order to hang in there for one more day, and to hope that you're just having a bad day. 

People who don't suffer from depression, self-harm, substance abuse, suicidal thoughts, and/or being bullied may never understand what it's like for those of us who do. But I will say that it's something you constantly need to tell yourself you can make it through, no matter how hard it may be to believe. And I want you guys to know that it's okay to trip and fall sometimes; to not believe those words of encouragement to yourself. I can't tell you how many times I've thought about just giving up, or about starving myself or cutting myself, and I did starve myself once over a 24-hour period, but I promised myself that I would never do that again. I've spent weeks on end feeling like things were never going to be okay again, and never get better, and whenever I'd hit rock bottom, I'd take a good look at myself and ask, How could I let myself get this bad?  Then the battle would start again, and I'd begin fighting. Don't think you have to be strong all the time. It's okay to mess up a few times. But remember that things are going to be okay.

To the ones who have committed suicide, just know that even if I have never met you or heard your story, it's important to  me, and I would have loved you despite how broken you were. To those suffering now, please find the strength to keep fighting whatever it is that's bringing you down. And if you are being bullied, don't be scared to tell someone. Your life is an important one, and other people should not be in control of it. And... for those of you who are suffering from depression, self-harm, substance abuse, or suicidal thoughts, please find a way to either get some help, or to keep yourself from falling deep enough to where there has to be an intervention. 

Some people take life for granted, while others are praying for a life free of pain. 

Keep fighting.