The Chase

It's early early EARLY in the morning right now and I still haven't done my homework. It's something that I should be doing, but I just can't focus because there's something else that's bothering me. So we're about to move onto the subject of guys. And being single. And all that jazz. Here we go.

When I was younger (and by younger, I mean 8th grade), I started to wonder what it would be like to have a boyfriend. However, I was never one of those girls who fantasized about her wedding day because it was never anything on my mind. It didn't seem important. All that was important to me was the "now" and not the "later on down the road" deal. And, like any normal person should, I found myself growing more and more interested in guys as I matured. But I never actually got a boyfriend because the ones I wanted throughout those four years of high school were simply not meant to be, and instead, ended up being little crushes that I got over fairly quickly. I would constantly question myself and wonder when Mr. Right was going to show up. I tried to befriend them, and I tried to be friendly and joke around and do all the cute things a girl does to get a guy. But sadly, nothing ever worked, and I just kept on living my day to day life like any other person would. For awhile it was an obsession, and I worried over it so much that I probably caused myself more pain than what it was worth.

Once I started college, I realized that I no longer cared. And... it's weird. I thought I wanted a special someone in my life just like everyone else. I always used to look around and think Why can't that be me? And I guess one day I woke up and was just sick and tired of asking myself questions without answers. I was tired of worrying and tired of making it a priority. So I decided that I was going to make myself happy instead and follow the beat of my own drum, and when I made that decision, I felt better. Things improved, and I was actually happy for once without any concern creeping around in the back of my mind. I think that now, I actually have more guy friends than girl friends just for the fact that I've been worrying about the things that matter instead of trying to make the idea of someone matter. My feelings, my career, my friends, my family, my life in the theatre... it's all very important and all very significant to me, and now, without even meaning to, I'm beginning to charm people. Somehow, doing the things that matter grab a guy's attention.

Guys...I hate it.

You wouldn't expect a girl like me to say that I really don't want to be with anyone, but the more I think about being alone and being with my friends and family, the easier it is for me to relax and be myself and be happy. I've been without the voices of unreasoning for so long that it's actually nice to not have to wonder, Could I be attracted to him? Could I be with him? Should I try to get close to him? Does he like me like that? Do I like him like that? This is so weird and awkward.  And I've already had a couple guys (not gonna name names) admit that they like me, and I honestly don't mind it, but it's just that I'm really not interested. I'm actually really uncomfortable with the idea of having a boyfriend, and don't ask me why, because I have no clue. I'm just happy being myself. Of course, there are the occasional crushes, but they always amount to nothing. Alone seems to be the right idea.

My friend once told me that when girls are stubborn and won't go out with a guy who likes them, that it only fuels their fire to try harder. They think, I'm going to be the one to win her over. I know I can be if I just keep trying. And normally, girls like to play hard to get for that particular reason. The chase is the most exciting part of a relationship because it's like a complicated dance that takes time and skill to master, and it can be a beautiful thing. In fact, it can be an attractive quality to a person. But I'm not playing hard to get. I don't want anyone trying to pursue me or trying to win my heart over because they think that's what I'm expecting them to do. If I don't give you a clear sign that I'm interested in that way at all, then I'm not, and that's that. I'm a nice person, but nice with a bubbly personality is not flirting. Not only that, but I've tried the chase several times on several occasions and just fell flat on my face, and I'd hate to watch someone else try to do that same exact thing with me. I just want to be alone. I don't want you to think that I secretly want to be chased after. I don't expect you to hold the door open for me. I don't want you to pay for my movie or my food (the only exception to this rule is Shane because he likes to forcefully do it at times and he's the only person I won't beat up 'cause of it), and I don't want you to give me those starry eyes like something is happening. I want to be me and I want you to be you, and I want to be your friend and just hang out, and that's the cold, hard truth.

I also have a lot of trust issues. I can only trust a handful of people, and I normally hesitate when it comes to telling new people personal things. Not only that, but I'm afraid the person I'd be with would end up not trusting me on certain levels due to fear. You have to be honest in a relationship, and I'm not a fan of white lies or half truths, which I know happen a lot. There's a constant fear that grows inside of me; a fear that I'll be abandoned or lied to; a fear that I will be broken again. And not only that, but I have this horrible fear of hurting the person who I would be in a relationship with. What if I couldn't trust them and tell them everything? What if I couldn't return the same feelings? I don't want to be the bad guy. I don't want to ruin someone because they aren't right for me, and although I know hurting can make a person grow stronger, there are a lot of bad things to turn to in this world if you hurt someone bad enough. I never want that to be the case for anyone. There's fear, and I'm not saying that I'm letting that fear control me, but it's something that I do take into consideration, which is another reason why I am by myself.

Now, let me be a hypocrite for a moment here. I wouldn't mind having a guy in my life. Honestly, if I get married in the future and have kids, that's great. I know there's a lot of love in my heart that I could be giving to someone, but I guess what I want is for me not to be the objective. What I mean by that is, I want to befriend a guy, and get to know him and have no intention on dating him. Not have it on my mind at all. And then, somewhere along the line, I just want it to happen. I want to fall in love and fall so hard that there's no chance of saving me. But I want the person I fall for to fall for me just as hard. And I know that's a lot to ask, but I guess that's just who I am, and that's another beautiful part of being me. The unexpected things are the best things in life. Living in the moment.

I honestly can't see my wedding day. I can't picture having children. I don't see myself living with anyone. All I can see is a small cottage in the woods with a beautiful creek and a little bridge going over it, and I can hear the crickets outside at night and gaze up at thousands of stars. I can see all the wildlife around me, and the colorful leaves cascading to the ground when Autumn comes around. I can see the trees thick with snow as smoke puffs out of my little chimney, and I can have my own artist room and writing room. I'll work at a camera store in town about twenty minutes away from where I live, and I can be at peace and not have anything disrupting me. Just a beautiful area where I can be myself and be free.

When I think of relationships, I think of being tied down. I would feel obligated to have to tell my boyfriend/fiance/husband anything and everything, let him know where I am, what I'm up to, blah blah blah. I can't stand the thought of that. Not only that, but it also requires a stamp of approval. I don't want someone to have to approve where I'm going, what I'm going to do, how much money I'm going to spend, etc. Being by myself just seems natural. And who knows. Maybe in the near future, there will be a guy to prove me wrong and who will cause me to fall in love with him whether I want to or not. But I just don't want to be chased. I don't want to be on anyone's mind. Call me prude, or pure, or whatever you want to do. But that's just who I am, and that's all I can be.

It's weird not wanting anyone. And it's weird being happy because I don't want anyone.

If your motive is to get me to fall in love with you, good luck, because you'll probably fall short.