Does anyone know the feeling of being left behind? You know, kind of like a puppy that was kicked by its owner and left to suffer? I do. I go through it all the time. Maybe not every day, but it happens often enough for me to notice it. In a way, I kind of am a puppy; unconditionally loving, loyal, and fun. But as hard as I try to be a good friend to my friends and a good person in general, I always end up getting a kick to the shin, whether the reason is because that person is angry, sad, or just gets tired of me. I hate it so much. Whenever I start a friendship, I always have a way of letting my guard down too soon and becoming hopelessly attached to him or her. As cautious as I may be in the beginning, it's easy for me to love and to make others happy. I think happiness should be given whenever it can because there's a lot of shit going down on this planet. But when I become devoted, I feel the ache of abandonment a lot more than my "friends" think. They end up not coming around anymore. Once in a blue moon I get a phone call or text saying "I miss you!" Yeah, no you don't. If you "miss" me, you would have been here a long time ago.
Maybe my complaining is uncalled for and childish since I'm the one that lets these people in and gives them a shot at hurting me, but I just have too many problems with being mean and ignorant to people who come across as kind and fun. There's already enough hate and rudeness in this world, and I'd rather not contribute. But my God, if you don't wanna see me anymore, just tell me that we're done so I can move on. It hurts more to let things drag out and then have to wonder what's even going on anymore than to just say you don't want someone in your life. Sure, the rejection is going to sting. But a sting is better than a world of ache and tears, in my opinion.
I wish I didn't have to be so attached to people, and I know we change little by little every day. I know that I should expect this by now, and maybe even be immune to it, but I'm not. I hurt like everyone else. I cry like everyone else. And relating back to the puppy example, I shit like everyone else. I am a human being just like you, and I have stuff going on with me just like you do. When I'm left behind because of boredom, anger, or God forbid my own problems, it hurts just as much as it would if my mom and dad forgot I was their daughter. You may get used to pain, but whether you are or not, it's still going to hurt all the same. It's still going to cause a lot of tears. I'm almost to the point where I want to be done and say "screw having friends", because it has to be less painful that way, right?
I don't even know anymore. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how I should feel. I'm an emotional mess that I don't know how to clean up.
Despite these setbacks, I do know that I'm a strong person. I mean, my head hasn't caved in yet, and my heart hasn't collapsed, so that says at least a little bit, right? I think that overcoming all of these disappointments does help me understand others who have been hurt and abandoned, and I can also relate to them really well, even if they've had it worse than me. I guess being hurt hasn't been too much of a waste. I'm just tired of feeling it, and even worse, I'm tired of learning to expect it.
I'm not trying to guilt trip anyone who hasn't kept their promises about being "bffs" to me, and I'm not trying to sound like some lonely, pathetic loser. All I'm saying is, stop purposely getting my hopes up if you know there's a possibility that you're going to cause them to come crashing to the ground in some fiery explosion. If you don't wanna be my friend, tell me. If you're "too busy" to be friends, tell me. And don't come over to my house out of guilt. If you don't wanna be there, I honestly don't care.
"Best friends forever" and "I love you" are two lies that disguise themselves as truths, and quoting my math teacher, "they're just as phony as a three dollar bill".
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