Walking the tightrope.

I had a dream a few nights ago that was beyond the ordinary dreams I have, and trust me, my dreams aren't that ordinary in other peoples' minds. It was a dream where I met this guy, and I knew that I had talked to him from previous times. Not in real life, mind you, but he appeared to be very familiar in my dream realm. He was a mutual friend of one of my friends (I don't even remember who it was anymore), and we were going to watch a movie. I can't remember if we were in a legit movie theatre or not, because I remember the seats being pretty comfortable, which is normally not the case. But whatevs, it's my dream. Haha. I ended up sitting by this guy, and I just had an insanely strong liking towards him. We couldn't have even been acquainted that long, but for some reason, my heart trusted him. He was kind, loving, and just as scared as I was to be with someone, and even though we had just gotten settled in our seats, he allowed me to lay against his side, just like the classy men do. It was then that I looked up at him, and him down at me, and he started to lean his head in. There was no hesitation as we kissed each other, and as simple as it was, it was real, and I found myself feeling as though I had finally found something that felt right. Throughout the dream, I remember sneaking more kisses from him, and realized that I finally had someone to kiss without needing an excuse. I woke up that morning and realized that, no, I did not have a boyfriend, and no, this guy wasn't real. But what shocked me about it was that for the first time ever, I had gotten my very first kiss, and I couldn't even be awake to enjoy it.

I've had dreams before where I've had awkward relationships with guys, and the few that I have tried to kiss always ended up being very weird about it, so nothing ever counted. I would wake up and wonder why it was that I could never dream of having a kiss that went right, and then would decide that it was because I didn't know what kissing was like, so I couldn't have a dream about one that actually wasn't odd. And now, it's funny, but I want to have what I had in my dream. I want to have that guy who I'm fond of and who I want to spend my time with, and I want to take things slow. But the thing is, I'm just so scared. I've had guys tell me that I'm beautiful and that they've had things for me, but it just never felt like it could work, and it was difficult to see me stepping out of that friend zone. The few guys that I have cared for have been guys that I'm never going to be able to touch, and it just sucks that I can't ever get things right.

I'm at a point in my life right now where I'm saying "whatever" to the idea of dating. I don't mind being alone, and I don't mind living my life. But even though I can play this act extremely well, there's always going to be a part of me that yearns for finding the other piece of me. No one can go through life and tell people that they never want to get married, and have it be 100% true. There's no one on this planet that can say love is stupid and that they don't want it, because there's always going to be something buried deep within the heart that yearns for loving someone who will love it back. We're all guilty of it. We say that we're done, but not really. We say that we're not going to fall in love anymore, but we do. It's a never-ending cycle, and I think that people like me say we're never going to get married like it's nothing because we're just too scared to be certain that we will. I know that I'm deathly afraid of how I feel sometimes, and I'm afraid of how other people feel about me. I've had a few guys look at me with eyes that say, "I'm into you", and it honestly makes me panic. If there's a guy who reaches to teasingly touch me with no motive but to touch me, I flinch and back away. I can't bring myself to be okay with love because I need to know that it's what my heart wants, not what someone else wants.

Now, you might say, "Well, Steph, if you don't give a guy a chance, how will you know he's not the one?" Good question. My honest answer is that I think you can determine your feelings for someone without having to be over-physical. You can't just fall in love by holding hands and cuddling and flirting. You can't just fall in love by staring into their eyes until something in your heart snaps that makes them look 100% different all of a sudden. You fall in love by learning about who that person is on a deeper level, and by spending time to connect with them. I think that falling in love requires a friendship, and what's risky about it is that you have to be willing to step out of that friendship zone to date them. You have to put them on the line and you have to risk losing them. Love should be about putting your heart on the line, and that's why I don't just jump into relationships. My heart is not something to be toyed around with, and if I put my heart in that sort of position to be hurt all the time, I wouldn't be able to function as a normal human being. I can't help but shake my head at the people who just jump right into a relationship with someone and tell them how much they're in love. Love is time, patience, caring, and appreciation. That kind of thing can't be found through a computer, or through a phone line, or through a reality TV show. You can't just be put in a room with someone for five minutes and decide whether that person is right for you or not. That's not how it works.

Yes, I am scared. I am frightened at knowing that I could be crushed by someone who I am completely head over heels for. I don't want to feel the pain of losing someone that I care for more than anything else on this planet. But I think that the reason why I'm so withdrawn to the touch of a guy is because I know what pain is, and when it strikes, I remember everything that I've ever experienced with that person. I've been abandoned plenty of times by people whom I've counted on and whom I've loved with all of my being, and I remember every touch, every hug, every smile... what they smelled like, looked like, felt like. I store it in my memory, and I just don't want to store anymore because I don't want to feel anymore.

I wish that I could have what I had in my dream. It was nice to have someone to cuddle into, and to kiss, knowing that there was nothing to be scared about. But that's why they call them dreams. That's all they really are.

I may never get married. I may say that I don't want to get married. I may be happy by myself. I may say that being single is the best thing ever. But I also know that I am not telling the complete truth, because my heart still wants to find love. It is just scared to walk the tightrope.

Day 2 of no Facebook!

Hello, all!! Well, it is day 2 of no Facebook for me! That's right, a full 48 hours! And I am happy to say that my withdrawal has started dissipating. Yes, it was difficult at first, not going to lie. But today was the day that I actually sat down and started getting some of my homework done for college. Yes, crazy Stephanie is doing her homework during spring break. I even started reading Stephen King: On Writing last night before bed and started to become absorbed in his words. I found his first ten, maybe fifteen pages (not sure exactly how much I read before passing out) stimulating to my brain. Today, I woke up and came upstairs to watch some TV, and then when my mom went to take a nap, I sat here and started to take notes on note cards for my informative speech that I'll be giving in two weeks. After that, I started to get ready to go to Brian's house for a movie night, and I also proofread my brother's research paper. He thought that he did a horrible job, but when I read through it, I hardly found any mistakes. It was amazing, considering that about a year ago I found myself completely re-writing his papers for him. I came upstairs and told my mom that he was developing the Stephanie gift of bullshitting papers the day before they were due, and my mother replied with, "Really?!" Ah, it's great to see him prosper as a student. He really is an intellectual boy. The problem is that he doesn't always want to apply himself. Of course, who does want to do that when they're in high school? Haha.

The movie night was a lot of fun to be at. Although it was only Brian, Eric, Allison, and I, we all had a blast together. We played Scene It on Brian's gaming system and made fun of my character who always did this puppy whimper when she lost, and I would refer to her as the prostitute bitch who wouldn't shut up. I was finally able to switch her out for someone else, and then the next round we played, Brian chose some gothic, creepy chick who we would make fun of. Brian kept beating us at the questions, so we started calling him names and talking bad about his creepy girl character. It was pretty fun, if I do say so myself. Brian decided that we were going to watch The Fourth Kind as well, but none of us really did watch it. We talked through most of the movie while Eric (who I refer to as my husband) gave me a neck, shoulder and back massage because he was antsy. Haha. After the movie, the boys played video games while Allison and I talked, and then we started watching music videos through Vevo. So the movie night ended up being 6 1/2 hours long. And now that I'm sitting here typing this, I'm realizing how much better I feel about not being on Facebook. It is no longer a top priority to log onto it so that I can check my notifications. Ed was 100% right when he told me that my decision to stay off of it for a week would be a release for me. It's not something that is on my mind 24/7 anymore, and it just goes to show that technology is only a necessity when we choose to make it a part of our daily lives. If we were forced to throw away our phones, computers, iPhones, iPads, etc., we may feel like it's killing us at first, but the longer we would be without these things, the more we would realize that we don't need them.

When I stopped using Facebook two days ago, it only took me a few hours to feel as though I had become disconnected from the world. But here I am two days later, still very much alive and not feeling the impulse to log on and see if anyone needs me or wants to talk. I have some "me time" to focus on more productive things. Allison told me Saturday night that I chose a bad time to decide to stay off of Facebook given that it was break, but I think that this is probably the best time to give it up. Why? It's not eating my time up. I'm actually getting out and doing things. Productive things. Things that won't make me feel like I spent the entire day being a bum. And when I do return to Facebook, if I become addicted once more (God help me if I do), I'll make sure to remind myself to take breaks. If I can survive this week, I'm sure that I can stay strong enough to keep myself from getting too sucked in again.

Well, it is almost two now, and I have to get up in the morning to take pictures with Allison. So I better be heading to bed. I think that I'll read some more of King's book before I retire for the night and get some more of it out of the way. I'll try to update tomorrow night if I'm not too wiped out.

Day two? I have slain you.

No Facebook for a Week!!

It was a few nights ago that I decided I would stay off of Facebook for an entire week. The subject came up when I started a conversation with my friend, Ed, from college. We were talking about the technological advances we've made and how it has made so many people dependent on them. I began reminiscing with him about the good ol' days when we didn't have Facebook or cell phones or all these fancy gaming systems, and it was at that moment that I decided one week spent without the most popular social networking site wouldn't kill me. So here I sit, 4 hours into this goal of mine, and I'm already having withdrawals. I know, horrible, right? I mean, after so many of these fancy gadgets and wonderful ways to stay connected are presented to us, it feels wrong to have them taken away. Why? Because our generation likes to be connected. We like to talk to each other and share our thoughts. We like to have that feeling of security where if we feel unsafe or uncomfortable, we aren't alone, because the power of talking to someone is a click or text away. We like to feel like others are listening to us and acknowledging us. It's hard to think that there were times when people didn't have laptops, cell phones, computers, video games, televisions, portable video gaming systems like Nintendo DS, iPods, touch screens, etc.

I was upstairs only two hours ago chilling out with my brother and his friend Josh, and we were having our usual random conversations. We were telling jokes, talking about music, Pokemon, Yugioh, Invisible Children, Youtube videos, etc., and I was really enjoying the time that I was spending with them. So many funny things were said, and I kept thinking about how badly I wanted to share those funny things with my friends, but couldn't because I made a decision to stay off of Facebook. And now I'm thinking about it and can't believe that I was so focused on posting things to the internet instead of enjoying the moment for what it was. Although it isn't bad to think about sharing funny things that have the potential of brightening someone's day, it's almost impossible for me to go throughout the entire day without thinking, "I'm going to post that on Facebook." Ed told me the other night that by not going onto it 24/7, it would be a release for me because I would not have to constantly feel a need to see if anyone liked my post or commented on my photo. I'm hoping that realization is stage one of this temporary experiment, and that by the end of the week, I won't feel as eager to log on anymore. But I am also afraid that as soon as I start using it again, I'll go crazy and post a week's worth of content all within an extremely short amount of time. I find that when I don't use Facebook as much during certain days as I normally would, I always manage to catch up with the time that I would have spent posting things by posting three or four statuses within a twenty minute period. It's so unhealthy to feel like I have an audience that is expecting to see my posts, so I need to catch up with myself. What is there to catch up with? How many people care about what I post anyway? I doubt that the internet world will miss me much. Heck, my friends are probably rejoicing right now and thinking about how great it is that they won't have to see me clogging up their news feed for an entire week. Haha. Still, there are some people who have been asking me how in the heck they're going to communicate with me while I'm gone. I guess I've never realized just how often I depend on Facebook for day to day communication. But I do depend on it very often.

I think that quitting for a week will be healthy to do. I'm so tired of being distracted by the social networking site when I could be doing better, more productive things. I don't know why, but even if there is nothing to do and I  get bored with Facebook, I find that staying logged on and not doing anything is better than getting up to find something to do. I just don't wanna have to feel like that anymore. I want to be able to force myself to read, paint, do homework, write, etc. The internet has been swallowing so much of my life that I'm already dying, in a way. I'm not living every day like it's worthwhile, and I want to do that. So, this experiment is going to hopefully get my mind out of the cyber world and into the fresh air of mother earth.

Well guys, I'm getting pretty sleepy. I know this blog is short, and I would love to type more, but if I continued to do so, you would most likely end up reading a long sequence of jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjdddddddddddddddddkkkkkkkkkkvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhsssssssssss due to my head falling onto the keyboard and hitting random buttons. Who wants to read long strings of letters that don't spell anything? Not this girl.

So, Goodnight, and thanks for taking time to read this. I'll try to keep up every other day with an update, but it's no guarantee considering my week is pretty packed.

Love you all.

Long Live

It was just moments ago that I was browsing through the songs on my iPod when I decided I was in a Taylor Swift mood. But there was one song in particular that I wanted to listen to, and couldn't remember for the life of me what it was called. Major brain fart! Anyway, I went to her Speak Now album and scrolled down the list of songs, and selected the song "Long Live". I haven't listened to it in forever, partially because I just haven't put much thought into it, and partially because my old friend comes to mind when I listen to it.

For those of you who have known me up until the new year, it was no secret that Tony and I were best friends. We did everything together. Took long walks. Drew with chalk. Watched movies. Made videos. Stayed up late and talked about where our lives were going, took midnight strolls, and just laughed at anything and everything. No matter where we were, you could guarantee that as long as we were together, nothing was going to be boring or uneventful. We would crack jokes during the worst times and make fun of people who were too uptight or who were boring large crowds with monotone voices. Sugarland was always playing in the car, and Tony was always dancing to it in the passenger seat. When we went out places in his mom's car, E.T. would always play on the radio. Things just seemed to have a certain way with us, and then before I knew it, everything was crumbling, turning into sand that ran through the cracks of my fingers and all over the ground, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Listening to "Long Live" is bittersweet for me. Tony and I always related this song not only to us, but to our generation. We weren't just part of a friendship circle, but part of something much bigger: people who had a thirst for their dreams, and who went after them. He wanted to be a country singer, and I wanted (and still want to be) a famous author. We wanted to prove everyone wrong who thought we would never reach stardom or make a name for ourselves. We wanted to show everyone that we could make a change and that we could be well known and respected for what we do. And we were doing such a great job. We were traveling that journey of fighting the dragons and bringing down walls and triumphing over all of the doubts that everyone had about us, and we were going to do it in all of our small town glory. We were having a blast doing it too, and I mean that in the most sincere way possible. But, I guess some things just aren't supposed to last.

I think that even though our friendship ended on a bad note, we hit a lot of good notes throughout the years that we've spent together. We've shared so much success and happiness with each other, and I guess we just grew up thinking differently and disagreeing more and more about things that we never used to worry about. Ever since the summer before our senior year of high school, we've been fighting. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all the time, but when we did fight, it would last a long time. I think our longest time without talking to each other was three months straight, and I chased after him that summer because I missed him too much to let him go. But back near the beginning of January 2012, I realized that things weren't going to get better. He was headed in a completely different direction than me, and I knew that letting him go was going to relieve me of so much pain that I was already suffering from. I was going through periods of depression without him, and I remember December being a very dark time for me. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, and I didn't want anyone to see me crying and miserable over not being able to drive, and not having a job, and not being okay with the way I looked. I wasn't satisfied with myself or with the people I had befriended that past semester. I felt like everyone was disappearing... like I was disappearing. I felt invisible, like people couldn't see me, and for the longest two weeks ever, I felt like no one cared. They didn't think of me enough to call, or to text. People were busy with their Christmas breaks and didn't have time to see me. What was even worse was that my best friend, Shane, was off in Cali visiting his dad, so our ways of communication were extremely limited. I had no way of calling him to hear his voice, and I rarely received texts from him. Not being able to have him here for stability really affected my mental health, and even thinking about it makes me emotional. Without Tony here, things were really off-balance and completely wrong. I was spiraling out of control and even went an entire day without eating. It was at that point when I told myself that I needed to get a hold of myself, and somehow, I survived it.

Our friendship ended in early January. All hell broke loose through texting, and before I knew it, we had destroyed nine years of friendship by means of words that we had spoken out of anger and spite. But inside my heart, although I wanted to tell myself that this was temporary, I knew that this was it for good and for the best. This friendship wasn't going to fix itself. We couldn't keep covering it with band-aids and go on acting like it was okay, because somewhere along the way, we knew something else was going to happen that would cause a new wound to form. I remember always wondering when the next big fight was going to be, because it was just inevitable. I knew we were changing and finding ourselves, but I didn't want to find myself the way he was finding himself. In fact, I backed away from it and kept my distance. His actions and motives began to change, and before we even had our text fight, I just knew it was over. It was a sad feeling, but it was the way it needed to be.

Do I regret meeting him? Never. He taught me more about friendship than anyone else has. He's seen me at my absolute worst and hasn't minded it. He's held me against his chest and let me sob all over his shirt because I needed someone to hold me and tell me that it was going to be okay. He's listened to me bitch about things that I'm sure were probably not even the least bit dramatic or interesting to him, and sometimes he would even give me advice. He told great stories and always knew how to make me feel better on my worst days, and whenever I would feel like falling apart and completely giving up, he wouldn't let me go down without a fight. He really was a great friend to me, and he's made me a lot stronger than I used to be. Without him, I probably would not be who I am right now, and I could never thank him enough for that.

We ended our friendship January 20th of 2012. "Long Live" our beautiful friendship, and "may these memories break our fall" whenever we feel like we're never going to make it out alive. I know we couldn't promise to stand by each other forever, but half of my life was spent with him, and when someone is around for that long, those memories aren't empty. They are what they are. We're just different people now. Shit happens.

This is not home.

Last night I was talking to one of my friends over Facebook who I haven't seen much of lately. Oh, college, how I hate you for your inconvenience. Haha. Anyway, I decided to ask this person if two of my former friends were still going out (I wish not to name names or go into details about the turn of events that caused our unfortunate falling out), and he/she said that they were, and were as happy as could be. I felt a little bit of a knot in my stomach, which contained both equal amounts of happiness and anger. I couldn't help but be happy that nothing had broken them up (considering how they deserve a break), but I was also angry because 1) I had to have a falling out with them to make things better, and 2) I wasn't getting any breaks at all. I then told my friend, "Kinda sucks that I had to lose them in order for the bad stuff to diminish, but oh well. I guess that's life. I just hate growing up, because nothing can ever stay the same. Then he/she told me, "Same. But growing up in a fairy tale isn't bad. But yeah, the old friendships never stay the same." When I read this reply, I couldn't help but think, "Fairytale? What fairytale?" And it's an honest question. My life has been more of a drama than anything, and all I could do was feel a sudden and long-lasting sting in my chest.

The word "fairytale" hurts. Nothing ever seems to be that magical for me. Don't get me wrong, receiving the only advanced composition writing award in high school and having a poem published is a pretty sweet, fulfilling reward, but it's no fairytale story. After watching countless Disney movies the past few nights (the classics, of course), I felt like I was on this magical high. Each one ended on a happy note, a sing-song kind of tune, and then one night during one of these movies, my mother said to me, "Wouldn't it be great if that happened in real life?" The perfect image that I had been viewing in my head shattered, like a sledge hammer to a magic mirror. There was no more spirit or wonderment to what I was watching, and I was again brought back down to Earth, where there were no magic carpets or mermaids or tough tramps who took you out to a fancy Italian dinner. There was no ruling a kingdom of animals, or an alien crashing to earth to help you realize that, hey, you're not weird after all! No. This is reality, where looking at a guy doesn't cause love at first sight, and no man is going to take you on a trip through a starry night sky and sing you a beautiful song about a new world. Chances that a man is going to take you out to a fancy restaurant after fending off some mean people is slim, and there's probably no chance at all that you come from a royal bloodline and you're going to end up ruling over people. Aliens? Shit, I'm an alien, if anything. Haha. But my life is too realistic to even come close to being a fairytale in the slightest bit, and it sucks.

When I found out my former friends were still dating, I was proud that I realized why I was so angry, and it wasn't because they were still together. It was because they didn't communicate with me to keep our friendship going, or to fix anything that could have helped us avoid being like this. I was angry that I wasn't a part of their lives anymore. And I was angry that they were happy and I wasn't. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my life. I love the people in it. But, I guess I'm not happy because I'm stuck in this town with nowhere to go that can make me happy, and I have nothing to distract me from being aware of all these setbacks. No job. No license. No forests to explore. No place to really find a job here that will set my career off. I'm just trapped by fast food restaurants and strip malls and stores. Everything costs money. You can't get anywhere without a vehicle. And even if you could, it probably wouldn't take long before you got bored of walking past stores and restaurants and seeing the same damn thing everywhere you go. Walmart. Kmart. Target. Fantastic Sams. Applebees. Subway. Shop N Save. Fashion Bug. Office Max. Best Buy. Lion's Choice. KFC. Walgreens. 88 China. Heaven Scent. Schnucks. Barnes & Noble. Mid Rivers Mall. Must I go on?

I just feel like there's no place for me to escape to. I have nothing to do but rot in this town because I'm not in an environment where I can be free to paint and draw and take amazing, beautiful pictures. I don't have room to move, in a way. I feel like I'm being suffocated by the technology and the stores and the cars rushing down the street. I'm being poisoned by a toxic environment that I wish for the life of me I could escape from, because this is not ideal for the free spirit that I am. This is not home. This is the destruction of once beautiful farmland where horses ran and where farms were built. I remember this place before people came here and destroyed it, and I hate being here. I hate it so much.

I just want to be in an environment where I feel like I actually belong. Is that so much to ask? To see a beautiful sunset touch the silhouetted tree tops? To see animals freely playing with each other and roaming about? Is it so much to ask to see pure beauty every single day that I live, and not have to pay money to see it?

Please, can I just be happy for once?

I don't have bad karma. The universe is wobbling.

When I woke up thirty minutes later than I wanted to the other morning, I knew that it was going to be a bad day. So what did I do? Instead of rolling over and going back to sleep (which, in all honesty, is probably what I should have done), I decided to get up and get ready for school. I texted Taelor and told her that my mom would take me since I knew I wouldn't be ready in time for her to pick me up. Of course, after that, I slept for ten more minutes and ended up rushing out the door. This rushing caused me to forget my laptop, iPod, and monthly gift pads. That's right. I was Murphy's Laws' b*tch.

When I got to school, I headed straight to class and ended up being right on time for the speeches. However, after getting out of class early, I was stricken by boredom. Having no laptop and no iPod, I decided that it would be a good idea to go to the student center. At least I could see Jes and Brittany. But of course, I was wrong, because they just so happened to not be there. I texted Jes and she said that since her parents were out of the country, her grandma was taking both her and Brittany to school, and that she had slept in. So, with nothing to do, I played with my phone and then began to write in my notebook about how awkward I felt sitting alone in the student center.

When class time drew nearer, I got up and left for the HUM building. Brittany showed up right away and we went to American Lit, and then headed back to the student center for lunch. I decided to go to the bathroom before I went into the dining hall because I've been expecting my so-called "gift" for the past week. Of course, it decided to come the moment I went to the restroom. No big deal. I'll just get a pad from the machine, I thought. I thought wrong. I had exactly enough change for a pad, but the damn machine ate my coins. So there I was, completely frustrated and wanting to pull my hair out. I texted Taelor to see if she had left school, and she did, so it was too late to ask her for a pad. Brittany didn't have one either. So I texted Ally and told her of my dilemma, and thankfully she was kind enough to bring one for me. Not only is she my giggle box, but she's my lifesaver. Haha.

I headed to theatre with Ally and we helped Lonna out by hanging curtains (this is where my sexy tallness came in handy) and also put pictures in picture frames. Ally had to wash paper off of one of the glass frames and cut herself in three different places because she didn't know it was sharp. Hahaha. Bad day for her too. Anyway, after these tasks were accomplished, Lonna asked us both to help paint around the edges of the set. Of course, I didn't bring paint clothes, so I ended up getting paint on my pants and my hoodie. I was upset, considering those particular items of clothing were my favorite lazy day clothes. I headed to the student center after thinking that Jes and Brittany would be there. However, when I arrived, they weren't anywhere in sight. So I texted Jes and she said she was already on her way home. I then called my mom and told her to come pick me up because there was no one to hang around with. My mood was sour at this point, and then one of my friends from creative writing, Ed, and one of my high school friends, James, both walked over. James said hi, as well as Ed, and then Ed said, "You look like you're having a bad day." I replied with, "I am," and without another word, they both came over and sat down to listen to my bad day story. They ended up making me feel better, and pretty soon we were engaged in humorous conversation. Of course, when I got home, I had horrible cramps to deal with (only adding on to the day of much suckage). 



Having days such as that one makes me wonder what I did to deserve such vicious karma. But then I think that maybe the universe was giving me so much "good" karma that it threw itself off-balance and needed to correct itself. Yesterday ended up being a much better day. I got a good night's sleep, showered, ate breakfast, and headed to class. My English class was nothing special, and it hardly ever is, so I waited a century for that class to end. It actually let out quite early, so I sat in the classroom and waited for creative writing to start. Lisp dude walked in and sat down, so I got up and went to the bathroom. I soon returned and took out my iPod, thinking that I had a good twenty minutes to kill before people would come in. However, I didn't get very far into Facebooking when suddenly I heard my name.
"Hey, Steph?"
I stopped what I was doing and turned my head.
"That's your name, right?"
It was lisp dude. And he was talking to me.
"Yes," I said with a smile.
"So, are you ready for the quiz?"
"Quiz?" I asked him. "That's today?"
"Yeah."
"I thought the quiz was Thursday," I replied.
"No, it's today."
I took my syllabus out and checked the date, and sure enough, it was quiz day. Lisp dude then read it out loud, and I made an audible "Damnit".  I looked over the vocab terms and realized that they weren't too hard to remember, and my memorization skills are pretty good when it comes to definitions. Plus, half of the definitions are words that my past English classes have taught me. That's right, kiddos. Those years of English classes pay off if you take the time to remember what you study! Anyway, lisp dude continued to talk to me, explaining that he had ADD and that he was afraid he'd get some answers wrong if he got "too excited". We then went on to talking about poems and short stories, and I was thinking to myself, Oh my gawd. He's making small talk with me. He never talks to anyone. And he's talking to me. He's making conversation. Holy crap. It was definitely different. But of course, once the universe makes itself right, it tends to throw itself off balance again. What a vicious cycle.


I ended up only missing 4 questions out of the 30 question quiz, which means I got an 84%. Not too bad. After that, I headed to the student center again and hung out with Jes and Kenji, and then Kenji and I walked her to her 4:00 class. My mom texted me shortly after we entered the college center and told me she was there to pick me up, so Kenji and I walked back to the student center and had a lovely conversation about medication and how the side-effects are worse than the symptom or problem itself. I said goodbye to him at the building entrance and headed toward the van, and then my mom and I came home. I had to run some stuff of for Ally since she had accidentally thrown some important theatre papers away, and we drove to her house later on and gave it to her. She told me on my bad day about how she would try to get me a job at Planthaven, a place where she works, since I am in need of a job. I thought that it would be perfect considering I don't want to have anything to do with fast food, so when I brought her theatre papers to her, she said that she gave the boss my school schedule and my number, and she told me that she was 98% sure I got the job.


Now, I don't know about anyone else out there, but I have to say that yesterday was definitely a drastic improvement compared to the day before. Things turned out better than planned, and now I'm sitting here typing this and fighting sleep because I want to give you all something to read. Haha.


I read a good ten stories from my Chicken Soup book tonight, and let me tell you, they're inspirational. I was actually talking to one of the other people on Facebook tonight who was published with me, and his story is a great one in Tough Times for Teens. I told him about my grandma and the poem, and included a bit of a background story. He listened (well, read), which is awesome, and he was telling me about how he likes to write about his feelings and hopes to help other people out there who are going through rough times. He also told me that by us being through hard times and sharing those stories with other people, we can help them pull through the tough times that they are currently going through. And it's so true. You may not know it, but a lot of those stories in Tough Times for Teens have made me feel a lot better about myself. For some reason, reading about other peoples' struggles and how they pulled through them gives readers the strength to keep trying. I could even relate to one of the stories and told myself that it sounded very familiar ;) If you haven't read any of the Chicken Soup books, I definitely recommend them. There's a book for just about anything you can think of. If you go to their website, www.chickensoup.com, you can even take a look at all of their book titles. (:


Alright. I better wrap this up. I wish you all a fantastic day, and I hope that none of you have to experience a bad one. Keep up the good deeds, and good karma will stay with you. Also, make good choices, look both ways before crossing the street, slow down at yellow lights, and make full stops at stop signs. K? Awesome.

Back then, that shit was romantic.

You know, most of the time it's pretty odd to tell people that I've been single my entire life. Not many new adults can raise their hands and say that they haven't had a boyfriend for almost twenty years. I mean, come on, I know freshmen girls in high school who have dated more than me. So when any kind of girls anywhere near my age range find out that I've never dated, the expression that they give me is priceless. Some of them even go as far as saying that they'll set me up with someone, and that they'll find me the right guy. Back when I was a sophomore, I wouldn't have minded this, but now I just say, "Eh, that's alright. I'll find me a fella on my own." Why? Because no one is going to know who is compatible for me except me.

Yeah, I know what a lot of you single guys are thinking. "I'll date you!" Thanks, but no thanks. Dating, for me, is not volunteer work. To me, a relationship is based so much more on that. There's a good reason why I haven't dated yet, and it's solely for the reason that guys are assholes who want sex or who just want someone to show off. Everyone wants to take things fast and rush into everything blindly, and I honestly cannot stand that! Haha. A lot of the guys who say they wouldn't mind dating me haven't met me in person, and to be honest, when my kids ask me how I met my husband in the future, I don't want to say, "Oh, he friend requested me on Facebook." I don't know about you guys, but there's something wrong with that picture. When my grandma met my grandpa, he literally picked her up on the street. You see, my grandma was a gorgeous woman back in her prime, and my grandpa and his friend both had this huge crush on her. So they had arranged to go to a picnic up at the church. My grandpa said he would pick my grandma up first, and then his friend, so he went and got my grandma. Then he drove right past his friend's house, and when my grandma pointed out that he did this, he said, "No I didn't." That was when he had her drawn in, and the rest was history. Now, you may be thinking, Your grandpa kidnapped your grandma? No. Back in her time, there weren't as many screwed up, sick people as there are in our generation. Back then, that shit was romantic. It was the survival of the fittest; the go-for-what-you-want-no-matter-what-the-cost method. Back then, men had balls to chase after what they wanted. Try finding a man in our society today who is willing to work hard just to get his woman for who she is and not for her hoo-ha. It's a difficult thing to do.

I've had plenty of internet creepers. They have this certain way of trying to get to my romantic side in a very pestering manner. First they add me on Facebook. I'm always cautious about this kind of thing, because although I love meeting new people and making friends, there's always that is he a creeper? thought in the back of my mind. 50% of the time, this is the case. Some of them like to pop up on chat right away and be all, "Hey, I think you're pretty". Some of them wait awhile and then casually go, "Hey. Whats up?" followed by a bombardment of compliments and <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Okay, dude, chill out. What's even worse is that if I say I'm not interested, it translates to them as "TRY HARDER!!!" So, more compliments. More hearts. They start complimenting my pictures. And in the mean time, I'm sitting here growing more uncomfortable by the second. Okay, let's get something straight here. I just met you. We just started talking. You're already like <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 omg marry me <3 <3 <3 <3 Um, no. This is just too much to handle in one sitting. Not that I hate compliments or anything. I like hearing them every now and then. But there's a difference between friendly complimenting, and "I wanna hurry up and be with you" complimenting. Not only that, but I just don't think that establishing a relationship through a computer is healthy. If the person lives far from me, I can't just go over to wherever they are and hang out with them or do some concrete bonding. I think that physical interaction is important in a relationship because emotion is something that is important to me. I don't want to talk to some guy for a year on a computer, think he's this super amazing guy, meet him, and find out that he's completely different than what I expected him to be. I'm not saying that I'm against other people doing it. It's your life, not mine. But it just won't work for me.

Of course, when I do start crushing on a guy, it's so hard for me to deal with. One of the main reasons why is that because once I start liking that person, every small action that they do translates to me as, "I'm secretly in love with you." Every glance. Every smile. Every hug. Even a friendly "I love you". It sucks big time. Not only that, but I love to be friends with guys so that if I do become interested, I know what I'm getting into and not walking into the relationship blindly. That hasn't been a good method lately because once I get in that friend zone, whichever guy I like is scared that if we go beyond that, they'll end up losing me somehow. And don't get me wrong, ladies and gents, I'm glad that I'm one of those people that you just don't want to lose. It makes me feel special, like I'm doing something right. But being stuck in that friend zone and having to deal with not being with the one I'm crushing on (or maybe even falling in love with depending on how long it's been going on) kills me. It kills me because my heart gets just a little bit closer to that "I'll never find anyone" feeling. I guess that's why I do my best not to mind being single. I don't want to hurt, and I don't want to allow a man to have complete control over my sanity. Some days it's great, and I just love the single life. But then on other days, it just sucks. I'll get into those moods where I'm crying, depressed, angry, and wishing that I had someone to just hold me and let me cry without saying anything. I want the guy that, without words, has that feeling of deep love and devotion for me radiating from him. I want to be able to feel that, and to know that it's okay, and that no matter what, he's going to be there for me.

What ever happened to real love, anyway? It's always about the sex now. Guy and girl date. They have sex countless times. They break up. They find new people. They do the same thing. Repeat. I don't understand how anyone can stand it! And then there are the people who just like to stand there and make out right in front of your face for ten to twenty minutes, like they're trying to rub it in that they aren't single. I get it. You guys are so in love that you just can't stop kissing the crap out of each other. Great. Now get a room. I mean, honestly, I think the whole hand holding, smiling at each other, shy laughing, and peck on the lips before class thing is the sweetest show-off method in the world. You aren't being nasty slobbery, you aren't looking like you want to screw each other with your lustrous eyes, and at least by keeping it simple, it's showing everyone else a little class. Plus, I think you can really tell how much two people love each other when they keep it simple and don't make such a big deal out of the physical stuff! Does personality not count anymore?

A lot of the guys that I've really crushed on were not being crushed on for their appearances. I've gotten to know some pretty decent, friendly guys, and when you're around that enough, it starts to leave a good impression. When you get that good impression, it makes you think about being in a relationship with them. When you think about that often enough, their appearance changes. For example, I used to have a crush on this guy who went to my high school, and he was pretty thick-boned and tall. He had a great smile, but he wasn't magazine cover material. The more I talked to him, the more I admired him. He made me laugh. He was sweet. He tried to make small talk with me whenever it was silent. One morning I had a low blood sugar and didn't come to the class we shared, and later that day, he spotted me at my lunch table. So he walked over with his tray and asked why I wasn't at school. When I told him what had happened, this genuine look of concern flashed across his face, and I guess being an empath at the time without really knowing it, I felt this huge wave of emotion come over me, and suddenly everything completely changed. He wasn't just the guy from class. He was this amazing, beautiful, caring, hilarious guy who I wanted to be with. I crushed on him for quite awhile, and it was all in good taste. Of course, we never did get together. But I'm saying that it takes more than internet and physical appearance to get at the heart of things. You have to know them in person, and be able to spend time with them and learn about them. Otherwise, there just isn't anything there.

I think that my being single for this long is a good thing. I'm not willing to get into something that I know I don't want, or something that I don't know much about. Being friends with guys gives me an idea of who they are as people, what they believe in, how they handle sadness and anger, how great they listen and pay attention, how concerned they are towards people they care about... and it's great to know that ahead of time. I need to have someone who isn't going to lash out at me when he gets angry, and I need someone who is going to love me and support me. I need someone who knows who I am, and who loves me for that; someone who isn't turned off by being with someone who has no dating experience, and who doesn't want to be with me just to try pressuring me into letting him get in my pants (which, I can assure you fellas, is NEVER going to happen anytime before that wedding ring is on my finger). One of my old guy friends told me that before you get married, it's good to have sex with your significant other to see if the love is really there, because the sex can change everything. Bullshit. Pure and utter bullshit. If you care about that person, the physical stuff isn't going to matter. It's finding that one person who can make the world right even when everything is going wrong. Not a case of "if the shoe fits, wear it". We're talking much more than a body part. We're talking about everything we're composed of finally being accepted completely by somebody else. If you're too blind to see that, I can assure you that I am not the girl for you.

Why am I writing this blog? Because I want everyone to take a step back from their urges to think about what love is supposed to be. It's not flirting on the internet, or bombarding someone with compliments in hopes that they'll like you more. It's not because they're so stunning and beautiful that they must automatically be perfect. It's supposed to be loving that person unconditionally for everything that they are, even the ugly stuff. If we keep putting conditions on love, we'll never reach that point of happiness.Girls will continue to starve themselves. Guys will continue to be dicks who want models even though half of these people are no prince charming (appearance wise). People will keep changing themselves externally and wearing less clothes because they just want someone to notice. This is not what love was intended for, and society is beginning to make it look like a beauty contest.

Do me a favor, guys. Get off of the internet. Stop playing your video games. Put down your damn phones. Nerds, quit doing your math homework for a few minutes. Once you've accomplished that task, I want you to go out there and find that one girl that you've been drooling over for the past month or year, or maybe two years. Then, do the most difficult thing that any man ever has to do. Go after her. Be persistent. Show her you aren't an ass, and that you care, and tell her how much you admire her and her personality. Tell her you want to know her more, and ask her to hang out. Don't do it for her looks, or how many articles of clothing she isn't wearing. Do it because you love her for all of her, both internally and externally. Maybe if you actually do something out of impulse for once in your life instead of flirting with all of your fancy electronics, things might turn out for you. Your first few impressions in person are going to be more effective than saying some flirtatious lines over the internet.

Do me a favor, ladies. Stop being so shallow. Don't keep waiting for some handsome, perfect man to sweep you off your feet. Appearance isn't everything. There are some pretty great guys out there who get treated like crap because they're too nice for their fellows of the same sex. Enjoy the compliments they give you, because guys don't compliment that often (well, if they aren't on the internet, that is). If they want to spend time with you, let them! You don't have to date them if you don't want to, but setting up a friendship is a good thing to do! And who knows? You may fall for them eventually. You'll never know if you keep ignoring them and treating them like they don't exist. And hey, if they aren't your type, then fine. Just stop looking over the kind, thoughtful men like they aren't even there. Yes, some guys can be more attractive than others, but that doesn't mean that they're going to treat you nicely. Get to know your fellas. You may be surprised how much you learn from them.


I really am okay with being single. I haven't minded it for nearly twenty years, and although some days I wish I could have a guy to spend my lonely time with, I know that I'm just waiting for something real to come along. Maybe it will never come, for all I know. But I'm okay with that, because it doesn't mean the end of the world. It simply means that I don't need a man to make me happy. I'm happy enough being me, and that's really all that matters.


Guys, some tips for you:
-Don't tell a girl she's wrong. You're starting an ugly competition.
-Listen to her complain about the things you don't care about. I know that running out of the last pair of shoes in her size might not seem very tragic, but it is to her.
-Don't text her if you can call her. You're giving her your undivided attention, and that shows how much you care.
-If you do like a particular way she's styled her hair, or a different way that she's done her makeup, tell her. It'll make her smile.
-If she gets mad at you, give her some time to cool down. We get caught in the heat of the moment, but we do think more about it later on and often end up feeling guilty. If she still shows signs of anger, just apologize. No big deal.


Girls, some tips for you:
-If he tells you he needs some alone time, he really does. So just let him be.
-Listen to him talk about his video games. Even if you have no idea how to play, or have no idea what exactly it is that he's explaining to you, that's okay. They just like to have someone to talk to about it.
-If he's feeling down, ask him if he would like a hug. Not all guys do, and there's no point in making them uncomfortable. I've found that most guys do like being asked if they would like one or not.
-Smile around them. Guys like seeing us happy.
-Laugh at their jokes, even if they aren't that funny. It makes them feel good about themselves :P
-Don't over-text if they aren't responding much. Guys usually don't like texting, and if they don't reply, there's a reason for it. It doesn't mean you should send them 5 more texts. That just annoys them.
-Don't keep pushing him away if he's trying to get you to forgive him. You know you aren't that mad at him, and if you keep acting like you are, he's going to stop trying. Guys usually don't like saying sorry because it means they're wrong, so when they do say sorry, it's a big deal.


Alright. So that concludes today's blog. I think you all get the picture here. No need to go into the obvious details.

Have a grand Friday (: