Long Live

It was just moments ago that I was browsing through the songs on my iPod when I decided I was in a Taylor Swift mood. But there was one song in particular that I wanted to listen to, and couldn't remember for the life of me what it was called. Major brain fart! Anyway, I went to her Speak Now album and scrolled down the list of songs, and selected the song "Long Live". I haven't listened to it in forever, partially because I just haven't put much thought into it, and partially because my old friend comes to mind when I listen to it.

For those of you who have known me up until the new year, it was no secret that Tony and I were best friends. We did everything together. Took long walks. Drew with chalk. Watched movies. Made videos. Stayed up late and talked about where our lives were going, took midnight strolls, and just laughed at anything and everything. No matter where we were, you could guarantee that as long as we were together, nothing was going to be boring or uneventful. We would crack jokes during the worst times and make fun of people who were too uptight or who were boring large crowds with monotone voices. Sugarland was always playing in the car, and Tony was always dancing to it in the passenger seat. When we went out places in his mom's car, E.T. would always play on the radio. Things just seemed to have a certain way with us, and then before I knew it, everything was crumbling, turning into sand that ran through the cracks of my fingers and all over the ground, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Listening to "Long Live" is bittersweet for me. Tony and I always related this song not only to us, but to our generation. We weren't just part of a friendship circle, but part of something much bigger: people who had a thirst for their dreams, and who went after them. He wanted to be a country singer, and I wanted (and still want to be) a famous author. We wanted to prove everyone wrong who thought we would never reach stardom or make a name for ourselves. We wanted to show everyone that we could make a change and that we could be well known and respected for what we do. And we were doing such a great job. We were traveling that journey of fighting the dragons and bringing down walls and triumphing over all of the doubts that everyone had about us, and we were going to do it in all of our small town glory. We were having a blast doing it too, and I mean that in the most sincere way possible. But, I guess some things just aren't supposed to last.

I think that even though our friendship ended on a bad note, we hit a lot of good notes throughout the years that we've spent together. We've shared so much success and happiness with each other, and I guess we just grew up thinking differently and disagreeing more and more about things that we never used to worry about. Ever since the summer before our senior year of high school, we've been fighting. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all the time, but when we did fight, it would last a long time. I think our longest time without talking to each other was three months straight, and I chased after him that summer because I missed him too much to let him go. But back near the beginning of January 2012, I realized that things weren't going to get better. He was headed in a completely different direction than me, and I knew that letting him go was going to relieve me of so much pain that I was already suffering from. I was going through periods of depression without him, and I remember December being a very dark time for me. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, and I didn't want anyone to see me crying and miserable over not being able to drive, and not having a job, and not being okay with the way I looked. I wasn't satisfied with myself or with the people I had befriended that past semester. I felt like everyone was disappearing... like I was disappearing. I felt invisible, like people couldn't see me, and for the longest two weeks ever, I felt like no one cared. They didn't think of me enough to call, or to text. People were busy with their Christmas breaks and didn't have time to see me. What was even worse was that my best friend, Shane, was off in Cali visiting his dad, so our ways of communication were extremely limited. I had no way of calling him to hear his voice, and I rarely received texts from him. Not being able to have him here for stability really affected my mental health, and even thinking about it makes me emotional. Without Tony here, things were really off-balance and completely wrong. I was spiraling out of control and even went an entire day without eating. It was at that point when I told myself that I needed to get a hold of myself, and somehow, I survived it.

Our friendship ended in early January. All hell broke loose through texting, and before I knew it, we had destroyed nine years of friendship by means of words that we had spoken out of anger and spite. But inside my heart, although I wanted to tell myself that this was temporary, I knew that this was it for good and for the best. This friendship wasn't going to fix itself. We couldn't keep covering it with band-aids and go on acting like it was okay, because somewhere along the way, we knew something else was going to happen that would cause a new wound to form. I remember always wondering when the next big fight was going to be, because it was just inevitable. I knew we were changing and finding ourselves, but I didn't want to find myself the way he was finding himself. In fact, I backed away from it and kept my distance. His actions and motives began to change, and before we even had our text fight, I just knew it was over. It was a sad feeling, but it was the way it needed to be.

Do I regret meeting him? Never. He taught me more about friendship than anyone else has. He's seen me at my absolute worst and hasn't minded it. He's held me against his chest and let me sob all over his shirt because I needed someone to hold me and tell me that it was going to be okay. He's listened to me bitch about things that I'm sure were probably not even the least bit dramatic or interesting to him, and sometimes he would even give me advice. He told great stories and always knew how to make me feel better on my worst days, and whenever I would feel like falling apart and completely giving up, he wouldn't let me go down without a fight. He really was a great friend to me, and he's made me a lot stronger than I used to be. Without him, I probably would not be who I am right now, and I could never thank him enough for that.

We ended our friendship January 20th of 2012. "Long Live" our beautiful friendship, and "may these memories break our fall" whenever we feel like we're never going to make it out alive. I know we couldn't promise to stand by each other forever, but half of my life was spent with him, and when someone is around for that long, those memories aren't empty. They are what they are. We're just different people now. Shit happens.