Too Much to Handle

At this point in my life, it feels like there are a lot of changes going on that I can't really get a grip on. Relationships with my friends aren't the same. I'm finding it really hard to trust anyone anymore. And I feel like now, when I do happen to fall to pieces and break down, there is no one there to hold me together while I cry. The other night, I just let myself break down, and I let myself hurt because I think I needed to let it run its course. I'm so busy trying to be the strong one all the time and hold it all together, but whenever I do start to give way and crumble, I'm almost embarrassed for anyone to see me lose it. All day yesterday I felt like I was wearing a mask. My smile was difficult to hold, and there were times that made it hard for me to swallow, as though a lump was forming in my throat. Things, for me, are starting to shut down emotionally, and for awhile early yesterday morning, all I felt was numbness. I closed my eyes a few times and thought, I'm alive, but I'm sitting so still... so still, that in a way, I feel dead. The only thing that made me sure I was sitting there on the floor was the fact that I was breathing. And then I felt the tears coming. So many bottled up emotions that I have been shoving to the back of my head; things that I needed so desperately to accept. But accepting where I am now and how I'm feeling now is hurting me. And the worst part is that I can't do anything about it, because it's life. It's something out of my control, and there's really nothing to do but come to terms with it, shake hands with it, and keep moving forward. Being strong is the most difficult thing for me to do right now, and I feel like each smile and each laugh is a lie when there's so much lying under the surface.

It's ironic, to me, how I haven't really done anything wrong to myself or wrong to other people, and yet, I get wounded the most. People say I'm a good person and that I have a huge heart. They say I really do care and that I deserve the best. But in reality, the good don't really get rewarded because they see the pain and they feel the pain, and they force themselves to smile through it and believe that everything is going to be okay. But things just keep caving in on them. That's my life right now. I know that I've excelled in a lot and accomplished so much already. I know that right now, my body is physically in a good place. But spiritually, I'm falling apart, and there's nothing that can fix that. When you get hurt emotionally, you can't wrap it up or put a bandage on it so that it will heal. And so many people think that drugs and medicine can fix that, but the truth is, it only numbs it for a period of time. I'd rather feel than be numb because I have my mind with me. I think clearly. I feel more real.

I think that the best lie known to man is, "I'm fine." So often people have asked me, "Are you feeling okay?" and I would look up at them and say, "Yeah. I'm fine." But honestly, more than half the time I say that, I have something bothering me; something haunting me. And I hate to show that side of me to people because I feel like if I'm not okay, than neither are they. I hate being worried over, but there's so many layers of broken glass inside of me that sometimes I wish there was someone to worry. Yesterday morning, when I was sitting on the ground thinking about how I felt emotionally, I just wanted to scream at someone. I wanted to throw a temper tantrum and break something and blame the world for hating me. I just can't deal with change. I can't deal with where I am in my life and I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers too fast and all at once.

I know that things are going to get better and that this is just a phase that I need to go through. But I just wish it didn't feel like I was falling into a never ending pit. I used to never understand love songs and depression songs, and about things being "complicated" when all I could see in front of me was a bright sun and wild flowers, and someone who accepted me and wanted to spend their time with me. But now, I just feel like I'm looking for more, like there's some greater happiness waiting for me and I can't get to the point where I can reach it. I keep messing up and going down the wrong paths, and right now, it just feels like nothing is going to be okay. Sure, I can keep smiling and laughing and being positive and zany and fun, but when it comes down to it, sometimes I just feel so alone, like no one really understands. And it hurts.

I love my friends and my family so much. I cherish the memories I'm making with them, and I'm glad that there are things in my life that can make me smile and appreciate living. But there are also feelings that I can't control, and right now, I'm really suffering.

Someday I'll be in a good place again. But right now, things are looking down.