I broke down again yesterday morning. I let myself hurt and feel the pain, and then I felt numb again. So I got up and walked around, and I looked at old pictures and laughed and smiled. Then I realized I'm here in the present, where everything seems so messy and complicated right now, and nothing really feels like it's going to be okay. But I know that it will. Change isn't supposed to be an easy thing to accept, especially when you're being forced to. I just have a few things bothering me right now. And I think that in order to feel better about them, I need to talk about them.
First, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to fall in love again. I know it sounds silly coming from someone who is nearing the early age of twenty, but it's something that I'm scared of. For a long time, I never understood why I was so scared to go out with guys. If any guy ever showed the slightest interest in me, I would go running in the other direction until I couldn't see them anymore. And the few guys who I have actually considered dating haven't worked out in my favor. I don't mean to say that they're bad people, because they aren't. But sometimes things just don't want to go the way you want them to. It's hard for me to accept, and I think that's one reason why I'm feeling lost right now. I get attached to the wrong people and at the worst times. And, after giving it a lot of thought, I finally am realizing why I can't ever bring myself to jump into a relationship and just give it a try. I'm so scared that I'm not going to be able to love that person as much as he loves me. I know what it's like to be in love, when you want to go to the ends of the earth for that person, jump through rings of fire, and stick your head inside of a lion's mouth if it means they're going to be safe for the rest of their lives. I know what it's like to want them to want you in the way that you want them, and for them to care for you the way you care about them. When you love someone so much that you know you would gladly volunteer death to keep them alive, it suddenly becomes scary to think about being with anyone else, because you might let them down, and hurt them like someone else has hurt you. And that's why I'm so convinced that I'm going to be alone, and it sucks. I don't like to think about it because I feel even more lonely than I normally do.
I'm also struggling with relationships in general. There are a lot of people who I never see anymore, and there are a lot of people who have used me and hurt me and knew that they were doing it. Because of that, I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. People who I used to depend on and talk to aren't around to listen, and the only people I can talk to always want me to cheer up. Be positive. Don't be sad. Life is good. You'll be okay. But what can I do when the only thing that I'm not feeling is positive, or happy, or okay? What can I do when, internally, I'm falling to pieces, and can't tell anybody because I know they're just going to tell me happy things that I'd rather not hear? Where are my friends who would sit and listen to me and just let me cry and break down? The people who may not have had the best advice, but had the best shoulders to cry on? I used to have a best friend who I could tell anything and everything to in confidence, and who I could be weak around, and he would hold me together and just let me go through what I had to go through while offering comfort. But as of recent, I just can't depend on him anymore. He helped break me even more than he probably thinks he did, and now, all I can do is cry alone, and keep everything bottled up because there's no one to spill it to. People are ignoring me or pushing me off to the side, and it honestly hurts. It hurts to know that so many of my friends are hummingbirds that only come for the nectar and leave when they've had their fill. Sometimes, I just wish someone could hold me again. Hold me in their arms and pet my hair or dry my tears and tell me that it's okay to fall apart; that I don't always have to be strong. But sometimes, I feel like that's all I ever can be now. Weakness is taboo in our society. We're expected to do so much and be unaffected by things that are out of our control. If we can't control it, why be upset over it? But you know what? I can't control it, and that's what upsets me. I can't fix it, or change it, or make it come out in my favor. Things are as they are, and if people don't want you anymore, you can't do anything about it.
I keep wondering when things are going to get better. I don't want new people. I want old people and old times and memories. I want old feelings back. The security of having people to trust 100% about things that, at that point in time, seem so silly and unimportant. A new zit, or a pair of amazing shoes that won't fit, or a homework assignment you forgot to do that was worth only 1% of your grade. Where did those days go? And who in the hell replaced them with this spider web of a life? Who thought it would be fun to watch me crumble and fall into depression, and who decided that my love was something they could play with until it became so involved and twisted that there was no easy way of pulling away? I'm so tired of being toyed with, used, and recycled by so many people. I'm starting to build up walls that I've never had to build before, and it just really sucks, because I want people to be happy, and I just want the same in return. I want to be loved unconditionally and to be cherished. I want to be needed. But I also need people when I fall down and have trouble getting up. Where are my friends when I fall down?
I have a lot of trust issues going on right now, and I keep asking myself what's in this world for me. Sure, my purpose seems to be loving people and volunteering my time to keep them happy and to keep myself happy, but what happens when all those people disappear and I'm left here alone? What's in this world for me? Right now, I have no idea what to do, how to think or feel, and I'm starting to sink again.
The real friends that I have right now are few, and I know they have things on their minds too, just like me. But I wish for just one moment, one of them would take the time to sit down and say, "What's wrong? And don't say, 'nothing'."
To the three people who I've recently talked to about stuff on my mind, thank you for listening. And to the one who is going through a tough time just like me, thank you for taking the time to understand and connect with me on a level that no one else can seem to do right now.
As of now, I feel numb. It's nearing that time where I normally reach a breaking point, but I just don't want to cry anymore. It's silly to cry over things you can't control, but as taboo as this is in our forever rushing society right now, I want to slow down and acknowledge that it's okay to hurt over people and over feelings. Things are changing fast, and sometimes all that we can do when we fail to grasp it, is cry over it.
Is there anyone out there who understands?
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