I had a dream a few nights ago that was beyond the ordinary dreams I have, and trust me, my dreams aren't that ordinary in other peoples' minds. It was a dream where I met this guy, and I knew that I had talked to him from previous times. Not in real life, mind you, but he appeared to be very familiar in my dream realm. He was a mutual friend of one of my friends (I don't even remember who it was anymore), and we were going to watch a movie. I can't remember if we were in a legit movie theatre or not, because I remember the seats being pretty comfortable, which is normally not the case. But whatevs, it's my dream. Haha. I ended up sitting by this guy, and I just had an insanely strong liking towards him. We couldn't have even been acquainted that long, but for some reason, my heart trusted him. He was kind, loving, and just as scared as I was to be with someone, and even though we had just gotten settled in our seats, he allowed me to lay against his side, just like the classy men do. It was then that I looked up at him, and him down at me, and he started to lean his head in. There was no hesitation as we kissed each other, and as simple as it was, it was real, and I found myself feeling as though I had finally found something that felt right. Throughout the dream, I remember sneaking more kisses from him, and realized that I finally had someone to kiss without needing an excuse. I woke up that morning and realized that, no, I did not have a boyfriend, and no, this guy wasn't real. But what shocked me about it was that for the first time ever, I had gotten my very first kiss, and I couldn't even be awake to enjoy it.
I've had dreams before where I've had awkward relationships with guys, and the few that I have tried to kiss always ended up being very weird about it, so nothing ever counted. I would wake up and wonder why it was that I could never dream of having a kiss that went right, and then would decide that it was because I didn't know what kissing was like, so I couldn't have a dream about one that actually wasn't odd. And now, it's funny, but I want to have what I had in my dream. I want to have that guy who I'm fond of and who I want to spend my time with, and I want to take things slow. But the thing is, I'm just so scared. I've had guys tell me that I'm beautiful and that they've had things for me, but it just never felt like it could work, and it was difficult to see me stepping out of that friend zone. The few guys that I have cared for have been guys that I'm never going to be able to touch, and it just sucks that I can't ever get things right.
I'm at a point in my life right now where I'm saying "whatever" to the idea of dating. I don't mind being alone, and I don't mind living my life. But even though I can play this act extremely well, there's always going to be a part of me that yearns for finding the other piece of me. No one can go through life and tell people that they never want to get married, and have it be 100% true. There's no one on this planet that can say love is stupid and that they don't want it, because there's always going to be something buried deep within the heart that yearns for loving someone who will love it back. We're all guilty of it. We say that we're done, but not really. We say that we're not going to fall in love anymore, but we do. It's a never-ending cycle, and I think that people like me say we're never going to get married like it's nothing because we're just too scared to be certain that we will. I know that I'm deathly afraid of how I feel sometimes, and I'm afraid of how other people feel about me. I've had a few guys look at me with eyes that say, "I'm into you", and it honestly makes me panic. If there's a guy who reaches to teasingly touch me with no motive but to touch me, I flinch and back away. I can't bring myself to be okay with love because I need to know that it's what my heart wants, not what someone else wants.
Now, you might say, "Well, Steph, if you don't give a guy a chance, how will you know he's not the one?" Good question. My honest answer is that I think you can determine your feelings for someone without having to be over-physical. You can't just fall in love by holding hands and cuddling and flirting. You can't just fall in love by staring into their eyes until something in your heart snaps that makes them look 100% different all of a sudden. You fall in love by learning about who that person is on a deeper level, and by spending time to connect with them. I think that falling in love requires a friendship, and what's risky about it is that you have to be willing to step out of that friendship zone to date them. You have to put them on the line and you have to risk losing them. Love should be about putting your heart on the line, and that's why I don't just jump into relationships. My heart is not something to be toyed around with, and if I put my heart in that sort of position to be hurt all the time, I wouldn't be able to function as a normal human being. I can't help but shake my head at the people who just jump right into a relationship with someone and tell them how much they're in love. Love is time, patience, caring, and appreciation. That kind of thing can't be found through a computer, or through a phone line, or through a reality TV show. You can't just be put in a room with someone for five minutes and decide whether that person is right for you or not. That's not how it works.
Yes, I am scared. I am frightened at knowing that I could be crushed by someone who I am completely head over heels for. I don't want to feel the pain of losing someone that I care for more than anything else on this planet. But I think that the reason why I'm so withdrawn to the touch of a guy is because I know what pain is, and when it strikes, I remember everything that I've ever experienced with that person. I've been abandoned plenty of times by people whom I've counted on and whom I've loved with all of my being, and I remember every touch, every hug, every smile... what they smelled like, looked like, felt like. I store it in my memory, and I just don't want to store anymore because I don't want to feel anymore.
I wish that I could have what I had in my dream. It was nice to have someone to cuddle into, and to kiss, knowing that there was nothing to be scared about. But that's why they call them dreams. That's all they really are.
I may never get married. I may say that I don't want to get married. I may be happy by myself. I may say that being single is the best thing ever. But I also know that I am not telling the complete truth, because my heart still wants to find love. It is just scared to walk the tightrope.
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