This is not home.

Last night I was talking to one of my friends over Facebook who I haven't seen much of lately. Oh, college, how I hate you for your inconvenience. Haha. Anyway, I decided to ask this person if two of my former friends were still going out (I wish not to name names or go into details about the turn of events that caused our unfortunate falling out), and he/she said that they were, and were as happy as could be. I felt a little bit of a knot in my stomach, which contained both equal amounts of happiness and anger. I couldn't help but be happy that nothing had broken them up (considering how they deserve a break), but I was also angry because 1) I had to have a falling out with them to make things better, and 2) I wasn't getting any breaks at all. I then told my friend, "Kinda sucks that I had to lose them in order for the bad stuff to diminish, but oh well. I guess that's life. I just hate growing up, because nothing can ever stay the same. Then he/she told me, "Same. But growing up in a fairy tale isn't bad. But yeah, the old friendships never stay the same." When I read this reply, I couldn't help but think, "Fairytale? What fairytale?" And it's an honest question. My life has been more of a drama than anything, and all I could do was feel a sudden and long-lasting sting in my chest.

The word "fairytale" hurts. Nothing ever seems to be that magical for me. Don't get me wrong, receiving the only advanced composition writing award in high school and having a poem published is a pretty sweet, fulfilling reward, but it's no fairytale story. After watching countless Disney movies the past few nights (the classics, of course), I felt like I was on this magical high. Each one ended on a happy note, a sing-song kind of tune, and then one night during one of these movies, my mother said to me, "Wouldn't it be great if that happened in real life?" The perfect image that I had been viewing in my head shattered, like a sledge hammer to a magic mirror. There was no more spirit or wonderment to what I was watching, and I was again brought back down to Earth, where there were no magic carpets or mermaids or tough tramps who took you out to a fancy Italian dinner. There was no ruling a kingdom of animals, or an alien crashing to earth to help you realize that, hey, you're not weird after all! No. This is reality, where looking at a guy doesn't cause love at first sight, and no man is going to take you on a trip through a starry night sky and sing you a beautiful song about a new world. Chances that a man is going to take you out to a fancy restaurant after fending off some mean people is slim, and there's probably no chance at all that you come from a royal bloodline and you're going to end up ruling over people. Aliens? Shit, I'm an alien, if anything. Haha. But my life is too realistic to even come close to being a fairytale in the slightest bit, and it sucks.

When I found out my former friends were still dating, I was proud that I realized why I was so angry, and it wasn't because they were still together. It was because they didn't communicate with me to keep our friendship going, or to fix anything that could have helped us avoid being like this. I was angry that I wasn't a part of their lives anymore. And I was angry that they were happy and I wasn't. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my life. I love the people in it. But, I guess I'm not happy because I'm stuck in this town with nowhere to go that can make me happy, and I have nothing to distract me from being aware of all these setbacks. No job. No license. No forests to explore. No place to really find a job here that will set my career off. I'm just trapped by fast food restaurants and strip malls and stores. Everything costs money. You can't get anywhere without a vehicle. And even if you could, it probably wouldn't take long before you got bored of walking past stores and restaurants and seeing the same damn thing everywhere you go. Walmart. Kmart. Target. Fantastic Sams. Applebees. Subway. Shop N Save. Fashion Bug. Office Max. Best Buy. Lion's Choice. KFC. Walgreens. 88 China. Heaven Scent. Schnucks. Barnes & Noble. Mid Rivers Mall. Must I go on?

I just feel like there's no place for me to escape to. I have nothing to do but rot in this town because I'm not in an environment where I can be free to paint and draw and take amazing, beautiful pictures. I don't have room to move, in a way. I feel like I'm being suffocated by the technology and the stores and the cars rushing down the street. I'm being poisoned by a toxic environment that I wish for the life of me I could escape from, because this is not ideal for the free spirit that I am. This is not home. This is the destruction of once beautiful farmland where horses ran and where farms were built. I remember this place before people came here and destroyed it, and I hate being here. I hate it so much.

I just want to be in an environment where I feel like I actually belong. Is that so much to ask? To see a beautiful sunset touch the silhouetted tree tops? To see animals freely playing with each other and roaming about? Is it so much to ask to see pure beauty every single day that I live, and not have to pay money to see it?

Please, can I just be happy for once?