Just shut up and listen to me!

I don't really know how I'm going to say what's on my mind in this post without failing to put it in some kind of well thought-out order, but I'm going to try. I know that most of my blogs have been easy to follow, but my thought process is going nuts right now. So here goes.

Tonight, like a lot of nights lately, I've been feeling pretty down in the dumps. It's hard for me to be happy at home because I feel like there are too many problems going on that I can't solve. What's worse is that there's been too much negative energy around me, and I've been taking all of that negativity in and can't seem to find a way to drain it. It's causing a lot of stress and unwanted thoughts, and tonight when I was posting one of those thoughts onto Twitter (which doesn't even begin to skim the surface of what's going on in my mind), I realized that I would never be able to post that thought onto Facebook without someone showing some concern about it.

You know, I went from being invisible to being the one that everyone likes to socialize with and be concerned about. It's great, don't get me wrong. I love every single person I interact with (and even some people I may not talk to all the time), but it's really hard when you have that many people who enjoy you and overreact every time you have a bothersome thought. I know that I'm happy most of the time, especially when I'm at school. College is the one place where I don't have a worry or care in the world. The bad thoughts are usually so far away from me that I can go about my day smiling and laughing and being the happiest I can be. But it's when I get home and start absorbing the stress and anger and sadness that my smile starts to fade. I begin to worry about my career, and how I'm going to pay off my student loan and get a job. I worry about being able to afford getting out of my house and into somewhere I can call my own, and to be able to have some sort of stability for myself in my future. I worry about being alone and I'm deathly afraid that I'll end up on the street. I worry about my diabetes and think about whether I'll be able to afford my medicine or not by the time my parents' coverage stops. And these fears (only the few that I've decided to share) strike me so harshly that I already feel defeated and don't even wanna go put applications in. Imagine all these fears weighing me down, and then add on the depression that I already seem to have to deal with caused by the unhappy people around me. Each person who comes to me crying or upset about something increases my stress level because I'm soaking that emotion up like a sponge, and sometimes I can't stop it. Now, I'm not saying that you can't come to me and that you can't ask for help, and I'm definitely not saying that my shoulder isn't here to cry on (yes, I know, I'm contradicting myself a bit), but I just want people to understand that I have feelings of my own to deal with, and it'd be nice to have someone whom I could go to also.

Now, for some of you, I'm sure that you're ready to raise your hands and volunteer. But honestly, the thought of anyone saying that they'll gladly listen to me and my problems makes me cringe, and I'll tell you why. Oftentimes when I go to anyone to let everything go, they will be the first ones to jump onto the advice train and start throwing ideas at me without putting much thought into them. They're usually the ideas that I've already tried or ideas that I know aren't going to work. I have a thousand different voices going on in my head already. I'd rather not hear someone else's going, "Well why don't you try this, have you ever tried this? How bout this?" Just shut up and listen to me. That's all I want. I don't want to hear you giving me shitty advice that I could do without. And then there are those of you who I will go to for an ear, and all you can say in response to me is, "That sucks", "Yeah", "I know." I know it sucks, thanks for pointing that out. Yeah what? Yeah, you could be doing something more productive with your time and you're not really listening to me? You know what just happened? I didn't know you were a psychic. Seriously, if you're going to say something, don't use filler words. Nothing pisses me off more than people responding like they aren't even listening to you. That's why I hate posting my thoughts on Facebook. Everyone wants to be the first to jump into that comment box and say, "Omg what's wrong?!?!?!! Are you okay?!?!?!!" or "Aww cheer up! Things will get better :)) Someday you will be happy again and find the right guy and get a job! Don't give up!"

Guys, I'm going to be honest. Brutally honest. I know that I write a lot of poems and songs that you guys happen to take a liking to, and I am thankful that my writing not only helps me, but helps you as well. I know I'm pretty positive and upbeat. I know I can make a lot of people feel better. But you have to understand that I'm a human being and that I have the same feelings everyone else has. It seems to me that when the world starts to notice you, it's harder to be able to show true human emotions because everyone thinks that you're suddenly not a human being anymore. Whenever we find people whom we admire and who can make us feel better, we put them on a pedestal and suddenly they're God. They have to be happy. They have to love their fans. They have to hide negative emotion. Humans don't like it when their idols show negative emotion. I swear to you all that if I ever become one of those public icons, I will not suppress my feelings because my readers don't like it. My gawd, I have to be able to feel those types of emotions in order to fuel my writing. I know that some of you may feel obligated to listen to me and to give me advice if I have helped you out in that way before, but consoling is not an obligation. It isn't currency. We can't owe anyone the same of anything that they have given to us. When we obligate ourselves to give someone something of the same value that they have given us, we lose the heart of the situation. It isn't about how much  advice we give, or how much happiness we try to show people. It's what situations we're put into and how much thought, time, and love is spent in order to help the other person out that matters. I never comment on someone's post with a hollow heart when they're sad or upset or depressed. I don't think, "Oh gawd, I better help this poor bastard out before he/she kills him/herself". When I ask someone if they need someone to talk to, it's because I actually care, and I don't try to feed them useless advice, nor do I use empty fillers as a way to say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, lets get on with the program. I have a class in ten minutes." I put aside time to listen, and to simply listen. This may shock some of you, and I mean really shock some of you, but people actually feel a lot better when they don't have advice being shoved down their throats. In fact, it's healthy for human beings to be depressed sometimes. It's all a part of the colorful mood spectrum, and you have to be able to feel a variety of certain feelings in order to be considered a healthy human being. This does include sadness and anger, and sometimes it only takes an ear to lessen the severity of the problem at hand.

Do you guys ever wonder why people post things on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, etc., that aren't happy or cheerful? Because knowing that someone is reading it, and thinking about it, and listening to those words said in his or her own head is a way of listening. Everyone is programmed to communicate with other people so that their own thoughts don't drive them crazy. They don't post updates to whine, or complain, or to seek sympathy or advice. They just want others to be aware that they aren't happy. That's it.

So, I guess my whole point of this blog is to simply say stop and think before you open your mouth. Don't waste time trying to help someone if you don't put any heart into the matter or into the person. Don't tell them to be happy. Don't shove advice down his or her throat if they don't ask for it or aren't in desperate need of a solution. Don't assume that because someone is a little down, that they are going to kill themselves if you don't talk them through the problem. And don't think that because people are well liked means that they are incapable of feeling anger or sadness, because they are. Just offer an ear. Listen. LISTEN. We are so busy running our mouths most of the time that we forget what listening is, and it's a shame that we don't remember half of the time, because running our mouths can make things a lot worse. I can't tell you how many times I've started crying or shaking from sadness or anger, and would wish that I just had someone there to hug me and hold me and let me cry without saying anything. Actions can be louder than words.

I hope that maybe I've helped some of you today with a little bit of this information. I'm sorry if you don't like hearing that I have problems, but I do, and you'll just have to accept that. Chances are that if I had enough time and heart to express all of this to you, and that you read all the way down to this sentence, then you'll have a little heart to take it into consideration. If you don't, I guess you're skimming the page or being too loud-mouthed to pay attention to anything I've just said.


Stephanie Michelle Pabst