Well, here I am, writing another blog. I feel like I've really fallen down on blogging, mainly because I'm a procrastinator that enjoys being lazy up until there's an important homework assignment I need to get done. Why I don't blog during my procrastination time, I have no idea. You'd think that with my love for writing, I'd be pounding my fingertips against these keys like there was no tomorrow. Of course, if there really was no tomorrow, this blog would be extremely long and meaningful, where I'd reveal all of my personal thoughts and secrets. But lets not get into that. I'm rambling.
I woke up at nine today to get ready for school, and I even went the extra mile of curling my hair. I usually sleep too long to have time for that. Once I got to school, I decided to skip English 2 because my teacher wanted one typed paragraph about the person I was going to be researching for the research report, and he also wanted a typed works cited page. Of course, I've been procrastinating and haven't even started my research. But I do know that it will be over Walt Disney, and I do know how to cite sources. All of my writing classes that I've taken the past four years have really hammered down on that. Plus, why show up to class and turn in a practice works cited page if I already know how to do it? We don't get graded on any of this. The only things we're graded on are the three papers we do this semester, and even if I pass with a B, I'll be one happy girl.
Our English teacher isn't that great at teaching. Sure, he's a fun guy to talk to, and I would love to have him as a grandpa, but when he teaches, all he does is write notes on the board that aren't even in a logical order. Then he circles certain words and draws arrows all over the place while half mumbling to himself. He's extremely vague, and I don't really care to show up to class. I see no point in it. I know what I'm doing, and he uses a lot of redundancy. Last week, he put the class into groups to cite sources of all kinds, and while two of the people out of the four paged through the book and questioned whether they were citing correctly or not, all I could think was Come on. Just follow the example in the book that it gives you. It isn't that difficult. Although, I guess I shouldn't really degrade them since one is older and is a returning student, while the other may have only done one or two research papers in his life. But I feel like I should be in a different class. The other guy who was sitting next to me was telling me about how he didn't really understand the teacher either, so I think most of my class feels like they're showing up for pointless reasons. "You will want to have good attendance in order to do well" my ass.
Anyway, like I said, I haven't started my research project yet. Good ol' procrastination, right? I plan to work endlessly on homework Saturday, from dawn to dusk, in order to get everything accomplished since it's my only day off from theatre. Oh yeah, theatre. I'm part of running crew, in case you didn't read the last blog. One of the girls was unable to work the lights, and seeing as how I currently have no job, and therefore, no schedule, I told her that I would do it. She was very thankful, and it made me feel good to know that I was being useful in some way.
I went to creative writing at one today, but for some reason, I just felt really disconnected from the class. It could have been because I was tired, but it also could have been the content of the stories we had to read through. My brain just didn't feel like working, and the only story that I actually participated in critiquing was Ed's piece. It was entertaining and I could hear him talking in the dialogue while picturing his wild hand gestures in my mind. I couldn't help but smile and secretly chuckle. Once that let out, we walked Ally to her car and then headed over to the student center to chill out. I went home around four, checked on Derby (which I will give you an update on later in this blog post), ate dinner, and then headed up to school for the play. I made sure to have a cup of coffee beforehand since I was falling asleep, and I put in two packets of hot cocoa plus some Hershey's syrup. Yes, I know, lots of chocolate. But I just hate the taste of coffee, and I needed a lot of caffeine to keep me going. So I got the sugar + caffeine benefit.
This was my first night I spent on running crew, and I was extremely nervous. I'm pretty sure that I have anxiety since it runs in my family, but it's only with people I don't know too well. I think that it's because ever since I was five years old, the mean girls in my class made it no secret that they despised me, always looking at me and pointing while they whispered to each other. Some of them would even make sure to point out how weird I was. And so when I'm around people who I don't know or who I barely know, there's always that voice in the back of my head telling me that I don't belong, and that they don't like me, and that they'll talk about me behind my back. It's very frustrating to deal with, so when I was dropped off, my chest got all tight, and I felt like my heart rate was speeding up. The air seemed a little thinner and more difficult to breathe, and when Ally met me (she's on crew too), I told her how nervous I was getting. She calmed me down a lot just by talking to me, and by the time I was in the theatre, I felt fine. Still, I can't get over how angry I feel to have to deal with those terrible thoughts. I wish I could go somewhere by myself without feeling like everyone is judging me and whispering about me. I hate it so much, and I can't do anything about it.
We basically watched the show tonight. The actors and actresses were amazing (as usual), and I found myself laughing quite a lot. There were some great lines in there, and I think that even though it's about a middle-aged woman wanting a new life, even younger people, like myself, can relate to it. I definitely don't want to live here all my life. I feel like I'm trapped in a life-sucking city that will only eat my dreams away, and I want to get out of it and escape to somewhere else.
There was a lot of talking going on before the show since, you know, I had coffee. Haha. And so when I was talking to Ally, I realized that I was talking at a fast rate and I was talking a lot. I stopped and asked, "Am I talking too much?" Ally laughed and said no, and that she liked hearing my voice.
Even as I look back and read the above sentences, I feel like I've interwoven them with doses of caffeine. I sound like some caffeine-intoxicated loon, and as I told my friend Jes earlier, if people didn't know I was a good girl, they'd think I was high or on drugs. My writing tonight is all over the place, so I apologize for that.
What I liked the most about tonight was how happy Lonna was to see us show up. Whenever she sees students like me walk into the room, she just gets the brightest, most sincere smile across her face, and I love it. She really makes me feel like I'm an important contributor to the theatre, and although I don't want to major in anything related to it, I feel like I'm a part of it, in a way. She's the teacher who made me want to try it out, and to learn more about what it's like to be involved in something that really does require team effort. It's kind of like my version of a sports team, and I say "my version" because I was never any good at the actual sports. Haha. My stagecraft class has become a mini family, and I also think that Lonna feels like she's part of it too. I'm really glad to have had her for my intro to theatre teacher, because if I hadn't, I probably wouldn't have taken stagecraft. I was nervous when I did, because I felt like a fish out of water, but she really has this talent of making you feel like you are an important person in the scheme of things. I've noticed that even on her down days, I'm good at making her smile. She may not smile long, but I still manage to make some of her frustration and/or stress disappear for a moment. She's really changed my life, and I'm going to miss having her as a teacher, seeing as how I will be taking no theatre classes next semester. It makes me sad. Kind of funny, in a way, how the introvert who has never belonged anywhere finally finds a cozy area to cocoon in for awhile. That's how I see my theatre experience. It's a place I can always find acceptance in, even if it means putting some work in to get it. (:
Speaking of cocoons, Derby is doing fine. I took a look at him when I got home today, and he was sleeping on a leaf stem. I took the plastic wrap off of the top of his house (don't worry, it has holes), and I tried to put some more water into the gauze to make sure he had enough water and moisture, and it sort of dribbled everywhere. So I went to get more gauze to soak it up, and I noticed that Derby woke up. I apologized to him, and he threw his head up like, "What the hell, man?!?!" So I got the excess water out and then returned him, and not even two minutes later, he was sleeping again. When I got back tonight, I went to take a look at him, and he had moved to a different leaf. He was bent in a < shape, just snoozing away, and I thought, Oh my gosh, he must be injured. The leaf stem went through his body. He's dead. On closer inspection, I saw that he was not dead, nor wounded. He was simply in an odd sleeping position. But hey, if that's what steers his ship, I'm not gonna criticize. Haha. He's probably building up strength so that he can make his cocoon soon. I say that it'll take him a week tops before he starts his metamorphosis, and I could be wrong. But hey, seems logical to me. Why else would a bug sleep that much?
A thought came to me while I was typing my theatre paragraph above, and I think that it represents the whole theme of my freshman year of college. When my grandma passed away, she had left me one final card from her and my grandpa. It was a card for my graduation, and it read:
Keep your eyes, ears, and mind open... the whole world is a classroom. Always be generous in patience, gratitude, and forgiveness. Be grateful for the role models in your life, and be one for someone else. Learn from other generations... from the wisdom of elders and the imagination of children. Keep a childlike sense of wonder. Believe in the beauty, the goodness, and the wisdom that are uniquely yours. There is only one you, and this world needs you... just as you are. Congratulations on your graduation.
This semester, I feel like I've really fulfilled everything that my grandma hoped I would, and I'm still working on it. The words in her card make my eyes well up with tears because I realize that she knew her time was up. She wanted me to have something meaningful to carry with me for the rest of my life, and somehow, she knew that these words were the best gift she could give me, because when writers read beautiful words, they tend to remember them and lock them away. This whole year without her has been a learning experience for me. I feared being involved in theatre for so long. I could feel a strong pull toward it, but I was always afraid of not belonging; of thinking that these theatre people had some kind of xray vision that scanned you and ruled out whether you were real or fake. But because of Lonna, I finally stopped standing at the edge of uncertainty and completely jumped into the unknown, which is something I've never done. I've also come to realize that even though it can be scary talking to people I don't know, we're all nervous about how other people might see us. I think that if I had hesitated and had not made all of the decisions that I've made, nothing would be the same right now. I may have never met Jes, or Allison. I may have never been friends with Ally. I may not have developed a theatre family, and who knows? I may have been sitting here with nothing to do tonight if I hadn't told my friend that I would take her place for running crew. And sure, I still have to write a report tonight and study for a test, but God, at least I'm living a little more! I'm beginning to understand that any opportunity life hands you should be grasped by the horns. And even if it may not seem like an opportunity, if it's a new experience waiting to happen, grab onto that too!! I've spent too much of my life being safe and staying away from things that made me feel nervous, scared, and uncomfortable, and maybe there was a good reason for that. But ever since my grandma died, I've been doing things differently without even realizing it. I think that inside, I've embraced what life is about, and my grandma's words must have been in there somewhere. Otherwise, things might have turned out differently.
My grandma has changed my way of thinking, and her words will stay with me for the rest of my life.
May 25th, 2011. Almost one year without her, almost one year stronger.
No comments:
Post a Comment