Tonight as I was sitting in the recliner watching The Fresh Prince, my mom decided to ask me whether I would be able to wake up for church or not tomorrow (Sunday) morning. Now, I found this to be a foolish question considering she's going to make me go anyway. But my reply, I felt, could be my own opinion, even if my opinion did not matter come 8:30 a.m. So I told her, "Maybe." This seemed like a legitimate answer considering it was a "maybe" on whether she would be able to crawl out of bed or not. That's the reason why we didn't go last Sunday. She had a migraine (if I remember correctly) and we ended up skipping church.
The more I go to church, the more I despise it. It's not something I look forward to, it's nothing new, and the people there are just horrible. I feel like I'm walking into a masquerade party minus the ball gowns and plus plus the vagueness of who I am talking to. I often wonder who the church-goers really are outside of church, just as one would question who Cinderella really is when she's not tidied up and dancing with the handsome prince. Many of these people from my parish don't even pay the slightest attention to me when they see me or any of my family members out in public. Out in public, we don't exist to them because they aren't in church being judged by other goody-goods who are probably ignoring other so-called "goody-goods" outside of the building as well. The church is supposed to be God's "house" where we gather to learn and to empathize and care for each other, and yet, when we leave this place, many do the exact opposite. It's as though a group of people who absolutely despise each other are being invited to the same dinner party and must be nice to each other for the host's sake. Once that dinner party is over, who cares who hates who? But here's my take on things. Even if you aren't in church anymore, God is still watching every little thing you do. God is still judging you, ultimately, for the hurtful things you are doing to those who don't deserve it.
Now, back to religion. I used to be a Catholic. That's what I've considered myself to be my entire life because that's what my parents said I was. And when we get older, it can be hard to break that mold. But as I continued to go, I began to question why I was even going. What did we truly believe in? What was being preached? And out of that preaching, how many of us were really practicing it? Then I began to think about confession. Why did I go confess my sins to a priest? What made this priest so great? Why did he have to be the bridge to asking my God for forgiveness? Heck, any guy can go into the seminary and become a priest (granted they become knowledgeable about what they need to know). So why does the priest get to know the bad things that I've done? And then I began to wonder what the use was of being at church anyway. The only use I ever get out of it is when the priest preaches for a good ten to fifteen minutes because the sermon is always something new. The readings are repetitive and the songs are always being re-used. And what if the priest doesn't even practice his teachings outside of God's "house"?
I'm currently forgetting about my past religion and focusing on what I know is right and just. Going to church each week is becoming difficult to tolerate, and as much as I hate going, I only do it because my mom wants me to. It's important to her, and I think she only likes it because it's sort of like a family time for us. One of my friends told me that my mom is worried I won't go to church anymore once I move out, and she is absolutely right. I'm not going to go because I don't find a need for it at this point in my life. Now, I believe in God, and I believe in Jesus Christ. I know God is with me every step of the way, even when I don't think things will get better. In fact, when I get that down, He is my only hope, and he's also the #1 dude I can depend on. God hasn't failed yet, and he hasn't bailed on me yet, even though I've completely decided that Catholicism was hypocritical. I meditate. I appreciate the nature around me. I work hard. I love a hell of a lot. And I think that's the only thing God really wants. He didn't create this earth for me to waste my life on. When he created humans, he wanted us to enjoy the beauty of this planet.
Now, you may ask me how I can believe in this almighty God when there are people on the streets who can't even afford to eat. People are always asking, "If God exists, why are there homeless people? Why are others starving?" Well, I've got an answer for you. Humans. When God created us, He gave us free will. What kind of life would this be if He controlled all of us? He wants us to have free will so we can practice being kind to each other without being forced to do it. If we were forced, how is it kindness, really? Anyway, with this free will that we have, we've created these corporations and the technology and our economy. We've decided that money is the way things would be bought, and we've decided how to organize that money. I must say, we're doing a pretty shitty job. And that's why we have the homeless and the rich and the middle class. We cause this to happen to ourselves with little or no awareness that we are even doing it, and then there are idiotic morons asking, "Well where is this so-called God that you speak of?" I'm not sure, dumbshit. Maybe He's off crying in a corner somewhere because we're destroying this planet of His that He created for us to live on. And don't ask me why He would have given us the resources to create our technology if He didn't want us to use it. I'm sure the resources found on our planet could be used for far better reasons than what we've decided they could be used for.
Now, from an atheist's point of view, I can understand why they wouldn't believe in a God. People can be very hurtful and selfish. It is sad that others are living in poverty. And it is difficult to picture a life after death, even for those who believe. I think that sometimes when we think about dying, this heavenly place we hear of can be extremely vague and out one's right mind. I've even imagined what it would be like to die and to have nowhere to go afterward. It's a very scary concept to imagine, and I've often wondered if dying is like falling asleep and never waking up. You know how that is, right? Where you sleep and all you can see throughout the entire night is black, and you wake up the next morning and say, "I must have fallen asleep." Well, I've imagined that's what death is like quite a few times. Maybe we're just blissfully unaware, and that's our heaven. Just being... gone. But I also recognize that there must be something higher than us that had to have put us here, and that keeps me hoping and praying that there is such a place of happiness waiting for me.
I guess my point in this blog is that you don't have to be a part of a religion to be a good person. You don't have to go to church every Sunday to believe that you still have a chance to move on after you die. Religion is just constraints put on what the possibilities of the afterlife are, and it's constraints on what you can and can't do, should and shouldn't do, and how you can and can't act. But isn't the whole point of being human to make mistakes and to have an all-forgiving God to forgive you of those temptations and acts of wrongdoing? I mean, we wouldn't have religion if we didn't have reasons to feel guilty for the ways we act and speak and think and perceive. If the world were perfect, and we were perfect, what would God's purpose be?
I only enjoy going to church when I feel like a part of my faith is slowing down or when it feels broken. When I need someone to listen and I need to hear words of encouragement, I enjoy my time spent. I hate how church, for me, has become a routine that I do not enjoy and that I feel like I have to get up and struggle to do each Sunday. I experienced that in high school, where I would get up and not want to go because I was just there too much. When you do something so repetitive for so long, you're going to get burnt out. And that's me right now. I don't feel lost or broken. I feel like myself. I feel fine. I know God is with me. I have my morals and values in place. So why is my attendance at some building that the community decided to build so important? Why is it that we feel we all need to be on common ground in order to give our attention to God? I'd rather pray to God with a room full of Jews, Baptists, Protestants, Mormons, and all of those other religions than to be doing it with "my own kind". I can't stand close-minded people, and I highly believe that we can learn more from people 100% different than us than learning more from someone 100% the same as us. It took me all sorts of tolerance and open-minded listening to be where I am right now and to think as I am thinking right now, and most importantly, to love as I am loving right now. Without meeting others who were worlds apart from me, I could be an entirely different person, and it drives me crazy to think that! I love who I am right now, and I don't need a religion to do that!
So, for those of you who are feeling lost about your beliefs, just listen to me when I say to you that you don't need to be labeled by a religion to be a good person. You just need to have faith and to practice what you know is the right thing to do. Apologize when you need to. Love yourself and others when no one else will. Be the one to toss a smile and hold a door open. I promise you that if you stay true to who you are, God is still going to love you, whether you have a name slapped onto your beliefs or not.
If I offended anyone in this blog at all, I am truly sorry for my opinionated mind. Maybe you'll like my next blog better.
xoxo
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