It's an early morning where I cannot seem to fall asleep, so instead, I am listening to the sweet voice of David Archuleta and feeling unbelievably at ease. It makes me wish that it could always be this way, where it has not yet reached daylight, but is no longer night, and everything is still asleep while a peaceful silence fills the air. Although, in my case, it is a cover of Angel by Sarah McLachlan that is playing in the background. It reminds me of The Titanic for some reason, I guess because it's such a slow song with a somber tune. And when I think of The Titanic movie, I always tend to wonder what would have happened had Jack lived. Has anyone ever given any thought as to how their relationship would have turned out? Sure, the adventure on the ship must have felt like a fairytale. But keep in mind that they were heading for New York; a state that, in my mind, would have been muggy and dirty and probably nothing they would have expected at all. I can imagine that they would have gotten shacked up in a small, run down apartment with Jack trying to make money off of his artwork while Rose did who knows what for a living. I'm probably putting them in the worst case scenario, where they're struggling to survive, but hey, it probably would have happened anyway. And honestly, I think it was probably better that Jack died in the movie. I'd rather keep the adventure a fairytale rather than have the fairytale/forbidden love story turn into a dull life in New York trying to make ends meet. I kinda wanna watch Titanic now.
Anyway, sometimes I wonder if fairytale stories do happen in real life. I've never really hoped for one to happen to me because, well, I live in Missouri. What kind of fairy tale happens in Missouri? A ghetto one, that's what kind. Haha. I tend to wonder if I'd have a better chance of experiencing all of life's wanted expectations if I were to move out of the states and move somewhere with rolling green hills and fresh air blowing my soft, brown hair around. Somewhere where worries are nonexistent and life hands you flowers instead of lemons. But honestly, if life were that perfect, it wouldn't be life. There always has to be ups and downs in order to be a healthy human being.
I feel like such an alien at times. I look around and see people like me, but their lives are boring and they talk about things that I don't take particular interest in. For awhile, I always thought that I was an outcast because I was weird or that something was wrong with me. But now that I'm getting older, I'm realizing that I was just more intellectually mature than other people were in high school. Even now, growing up in this generation, I feel like my soul is dying bit by bit because this Earth is becoming more materialistic and shallow. For awhile, I was falling into that horrible hell hole that we're creating. I wanted to lose weight and wear makeup and look amazing to win approval from others. But now I'm just tired of trying to keep up with all of it. I don't wake up an hour earlier to straighten/curl my hair anymore. I hate wearing makeup unless it's eye makeup. I've stopped caring about my weight and how I want to lose it. You just get to a point where you have to flip the table over and say SCREW IT! Pleasing people is not my concern, but being a good, dependable person is. I'm finally realizing that as long as I'm myself, and that as long as I'm trying to be the best person that I can be, it shouldn't matter what I look like. It shouldn't matter if I have fancy gadgets or not. Where did the simplicity go? Playing outside and having fun? Drinking from the hose and running barefoot around the neighborhood? Jumping around in the sprinkler water and looking for four leaf clovers at the park? Now that we're getting older, we're losing the careless bliss of being children and having fun. We get in our cars and go to work or school or wherever we have to be, and we no longer have time to do things for our own entertainment. It's always go go go in this society, and I miss being careless and feeling like I was living my life.
Sometimes I wish that life didn't come with all the complications. I guess that's why I like this time of the morning. I don't have to be anywhere. I don't have to go to the store or head to school, and I don't have to worry about finding a job or wondering where my life is going to go. I'm living in the moment of right now, where my thoughts are peaceful and no one is telling me to hurry up and grow older so that I can have more problems to deal with. Just me listening to peaceful music and feeling my eyes gets heavy with the promise of good dreams and a wonderful sleep. What's amazing to me is that as soon as I do close my eyes for the night, when I open them again, the peace will be gone. Instead, there will be the speed of the day with all noises included. It makes me feel sad. Simple as that.
I don't know how much longer I can fight the sandman, but my eyes are telling me that I'm not going to last much longer. So, before I end this, I just want to say to you all that you need to just take a day to be free again. You might try to tell me that it isn't possible, but I'm telling you to shut up just for a minute. We only have one life to live. 100 years if you're really lucky. But on average, we last around 80-85. So, with that being said, stop growing up for a day. Stop rushing. Life can give you one day to slow things down and watch your favorite movie, or read that book that's been collecting dust on the shelf. Take a day to be a child again and to do something that you love doing. Put on some music and enjoy the peace and quiet. Just breathe. Society can wait.
Well, I am off to bed. Goodnight, world that I am beginning to grow disappointed in. Maybe in the next life, things will be better.
